Monday, 13 June 2011

A blur of a day today...

I am quite honestly shattered, to say the least.
Dithered between crying my eyes out all day and laughing until my hearts content.

My emotions are so down the pan right now!

It went okay.
I think my anxiety was triggered mainly. Going from tranquility and quiet for the past 6 months to a sudden influx of noise, new people and overall panic was something I couldn't cope with today.

Lynda informed me at our session this afternoon that I haven't done a full week in school since at least October.
Which I find hard to believe. October was when things started going downhill. When I first was perscribed medication and took a few weeks off from school due to "stress". Coming back to a timetable where I was never in school anyway due to being too depressed.
Then came the overdose, then returning back to school for a few weeks on a part-timetabled basis.
This will be the first proper week I have done in a long time. Scary stuff.

I have met some wonderful people today, and some people I know I need to be cautious of.
I received questions, remarks, and gossip has been spread around by the sounds of things.

I have also seen Mrs Smith in passing.
Those of you who followed me on my other blog and who watch my videos will know who she is.
She didn't even look me in the face once.
Of course, I crushed. I just have no idea what I can do to make her accept what happened.
I was desperate. She just couldn't cope with my desperation. I miss her though. It's not fair.

I know already that classes this year are going to be a lot different. English Literature, a subject of which is my passion, is going to change. I have a teacher who I previously had for English Language AS who I hated.
She made me feel so small, inadequate, and rubbish at everything.
And to be honest, in a subject I know I am good at (100% in my AS exam) - I can't really be dealing with her doing it again this year.
And the people in my class are so different to that of my previous class.
Nice, but different. Not entirely sure what to make of everybody.
But yet, how can I after only a few hours?

I cried in Media Studies.
My teacher wasn't in for the lesson. I felt unsupported and knew essentially nobody, and just needed to break down and let the emotion out. Deal with the fact I was back to normal now. Back to reality.

I will have to update you about all of this.
Lynda (my therapist) doesn't think I am ready to come off my prozac yet after my recent little incident with diet pills. Which, if I am honest, lasted all of three days. But it was still a negative thought, about my weight, thoughts, and overall self-image. When will I give up?

Awesome thing/s of the day:
When people are nice, accepting, and friendly. You don't get much of those people in todays society.

Anyway, a huge thank you to the girls I have met today who have supported me and pulled me up. Looking forward to making friendships with you guys!
And as my mum brings me in a warm cup of tea, I bid you farewell for another night!

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