So I visited City University, visited the Social Sciences building, and sat in the talk with lecturers discussing the reasons to study Psychology at City University, why be at City University in the first place, and what it could provide for me.
And I loved it.
There was something about the place that fit me, and fit what I was looking for.
I was slightly disheartened however, by the fact that they have raised the grades for 2012 to AAA. My heart essentially collapsed - panicking, I asked the admissions officer and he said that because I had applied and received my offer for 2012 at an AAB standard, then I should still be allowed into the university with the grades of AAB. Which calmed me slightly, but I still look at myself and consider AAB even to be unrealistic for my capabilities.
My mind is having an argument with itself at the moment, as it tends to do whenever negative thoughts kick in.
The rational part of my brain argues, why shouldn't I have faith and confidence in myself to get those grades? If I can achieve As in Psychology and an A in English Literature (achieving 100% in last years AS exam) - then why on earth is that unrealistic to achieve that at A2 standard?
But this is where my irrational part of my mind plays a part and tells me it is impossible. Because it is you, Amy, you will not get entirely what you want. You do not deserve to sit in the same room as all these intelligent people, you are a failure and will continue to be so.
And they have been fighting like this the whole day.
I must admit, rationality is winning slightly now depression is a little more balanced - on a perhaps 70/30% basis.
I know that 2A's and a B, or even 3A's, is achievable. I have done it before. I realistically should have achieve the A in last years media exam, obviously didn't, and am resitting in January in hope that that A will still be there. If I do get that A in January it means that 3 As are possible. So why can it not be done?
Westminster is my insurance choice, and I am visiting it next Wednesday. They are prepared to accept me on the basis of achieving ABB. Which if I get any lower then those grades, I don't think I would want to go to university anyway. I wouldn't feel good enough.
I want to work myself hard as I always have done, but not to the point where I get ill again. I need to find a balance. I need to look for that balance somewhere, I am hoping it can be done.
I am trying to look towards the positive however, which is always a good thing. If I have admirations for a future, including a Bsc degree, and no doubt a Masters and post-graduate, followed by a career in Psychology, then why shouldn't it happen to me?
Am with Nathan now, so will speak to you soon!