Well, that's essentially what it feels like today.
Saw Lynda for the very last time today, which was emotional. It hasn't really hit me yet that for the first time in about a year I am not going to be sitting in her room discussing the latest in my week, my fluctuating moods, and everything inbetween. It was so hard to say goodbye. To someone who has supported you since day one, and never gave up on you.
She even got me a present, which I was SO surprised at! I opened it when I got on the bus and it contained to my surprise a Cath Kidston makeup bag/mirror/shower gels/toiletries, plus a cute little card where she exclaimed how much she enjoyed our work together, even when times had been hard. I was so shocked, yet so thankful that she could be so wonderful and sweet as to get me something that she knew I would love, when she totally didn't have to whatsoever and was so unexpected.
But I guess Lynda and I were different.
I was so thankful and I wish there was now a way I could properly thank her.
But it was an emotional time today.
She praised me for the progress I had made since we first started seeing each other last August. (I had been going CAMHS since last Febuary, but was only seeing Amit at the time). I thanked her for everything. She stuck by me through all the overdosing shit, and everything where she could have given up on me and left entirely. We spoke about random things besides my mental health, and she exclaimed how she was going to miss that. My love for Literature, Psychology, and little bits about Nathan which made her laugh. She said whenever she saw anything with Jane Austen in she would always think of me.
She always made me feel better in the sessions, by saying something silly or just cracking a joke.
She referred to me as the 'headless chicken' - which some people could take offence to but I laughed.
I'm going to miss all of it, despite the point of me going is to recover from a serious illness.
People have had different experiences of CAMHS, I know. But I hadn't been with CAMHS forever and it had taken many different counsellers outside of the CAMHS system before I was referred to Thorpe Coombe on February the 1st last year and provided with that support. And although it has been so hard, I have fought and fought with Amit and Lynda plenty of times, shouted at them, told them they were wrong, told them I was never ill.
They were right, and they saved my life.
Lynda thinks I am angry at her because she is leaving. Which isn't true. I'm not angry at HER per se, I am angry at the cuts being made to social workers and important mental health staff in this country.
Why should we be made to suffer? I was given essentially a month to say my goodbyes to Lynda and very soon Amit and then am rid of therapy altogether. Because of the cuts and also because I am too old.
It's just not fair.
Lynda kept apologising for the very short advance period she made to tell me she was leaving, which I know she couldn't help. Most therapists give their clients at least 3 months, I was barely given a month. To jump from seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly, as well as being on anti-depressants, to then be told that you are now seeing neither, and are being taken off medication, is a huge step. Combined with going back to Sixth Form.
Everyone appears to be out for themselves.
I spoke to Lynda how I didn't quite feel ready for the removal of medication. I have had irritable and angry moods for no reason for the past week, where I get frustrated at little things which make me want to self-harm. I have no idea whether this is due to the decreasing of the medication, but along with not seeing Amit and Lynda and going out on my own, living without my only other stable method of reliability is going to be so difficult and I am not sure if I can manage it. I can't be on medication forever, and I don't want to be, but whilst I at least get myself stable and comfortable with my new surroundings I may be able to start decreasing again.
So today, was the end of an era, sounds dramatic but true.
I am going to miss Lynda so much, and even Amit when I see him for the last time next week.
Another chance to go out on my own and face the world.
Can I do it?