Sunday, 26 June 2011

End of the weekend thoughts...

It's been such a gorgeous, beautiful and wonderful day in London today. This kind of weather makes me happy. It even permits me to wear dresses without tights (which, considering my body image issues, is something effectively near impossible in my book)

I bought Lynda a thank you card to give to her on Tuesday. I wanted to get her a present as well, but what gift on Earth could you possibly buy somebody who has helped you from the worst stages in your life? Who has literally given you the hand when you had fallen, and helped you back up again.
I have no idea what to write in the card. I never usually struggle with my writing but this time I feel like I really have to choose my words carefully. I want to say everything that I want to say, incase I never get to see her again, which is very likely. It's such a shame I form such close attachments to some people, it just becomes far too difficult to be able to let them go.

I guess I was so used to people disowning me and letting me down, that having somebody there who actually never gave up and insisted on sticking around for me made me cling to her as a support system even more.
That is exactly what I did with Mrs Smith, and we all know how that turned out. And Nathan.
So for once, guys, I am struggling to find the words to say. I plan to sit down tomorrow and write it out. And it is only a little card so I won't even be able to write much, but I hope it is enough to convey across the amount of thanks I give her for everything she has done.

People like her allow me to realise that there is still kindness left in the world. It becomes so difficult to recognise that sometimes, especially with the scary stories Nathan recalls about his policing duties or just random things I hear from friends about other peoples wrongdoings.
'You're beautiful, it's society that's fucked' - is the quote going through my head right now.
Unfortunatly, nothing is perfect. Not everyone is going to be understanding, accepting, good-natured and kind-hearted.
However, the small amount of people we can find who persue those qualities we can cherish and cling onto and appreciate them with our hearts. And recognise them for everything they have done.
I have recently been perusing in the idea of buying a few self-help books, considering the week after next is the last appointment with the psychiatrist and then I am left to be essentially alone.
I am not always a fan of the idea of self-help books, but I guess I can give them a go and attempt to find one that is successful is trying to raise my mood and keep my spirit and motivational levels high.
Considering I am reading two other books at the moment - Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov (amazing) and Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier it may take a while to get through.
Watch this space.

The scars from Thursdays self-injury are still apparent and show no signs of fading anytime soon. And it pains me to once again, look at the damage I have caused to my stomach. The part of my body I hate so very much and has enough scars on it already without me adding more.
Everytime I feel I have gotten rid of one self-destructive tool, I always manage to find something else. There always seems to be a way to harm myself, diet pills, overdosing, self-harming, bashing my head against the wall, punching the wall. No matter how I try and eliminate it, there will always be a way, which frightens me.
What frightens me more is that I thought I was past this. I went through a serious phase of self-injuring in years 8/9 where I was being horrifically bullied, then years 10/11 it only occured very occasionally. Even in Sixth Form it only occured at times of deep despair and up until last Monday, hadn't occured since the overdose November last year.
So I do ask myself why I begun that method again. It makes no sense.
Maybe I am not at that stage yet to understand why.

It's my 3rd week back at Sixth Form tomorrow.
Lets make it a good one.


  1. Hello Amy,

    Your wisdom is beyond words. Although you may not know (yet) what to say in the card, it will come to you and that wonderful lady will cherish it. :)

  2. Thank you so much, that means the world. I gave my card to her today and she loved it! *read latest blog post*