Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Hungover on a school day...

Clearly I thought a huge argument with my boyfriend was an excuse to go out that evening, get ridiculously drunk and throw up everywhere.
Trust me, I am left hanging today.

I'm not going to go into details about this argument with Nathan, and we are fine now, but why do I use everything as an excuse for everything else?
Lets put it this way, I need a good sleep and a relax.

So, last therapy session next week according to Lynda.
As it's approaching I am getting more and more upset. I want it to end because I want to feel like I have moved on and I am recovering well, but I will miss Lynda and the team a lot. Some people have had bad experiences with CAMHS, and mine were at first, but after I met Lynda and got to know her things did change and the trust began to develop and the relationship built. And now, as we approach our final session, it's a sad time.
A lot of things are going to be changing in the next few weeks. I haven't taken my Prozac in two days now.
Lynda is going, followed by Amit (the psychiatrist) in due course. It's a scary prospect.

Another thing I wanted to mention today is the idea of my new year group finding out that I have this blog.
When I was in my library period, I heard a girl talking about my friend Ellis (www.lifeofasixthformer.wordpress.com) and how she had a blog. And the way she said it was that she was teasing her about that fact she had found it, how ridiculous is that that she blogs her life everyday, and was laughing about it and so forth. Apparently the idea that she has a blog has been going around the whole Sixth Form, and appears to some the most ridiculous and inhumane idea to ever exist.
And I guess it's okay for somewhat 'perfect' people to say things like that.
But this is where it starts angering me.

If the people at Sixth Form find my blog, and I doubt it won't be long before they do, then great.
Maybe two or three years ago, just the idea of somebody from my school finding my thoughts and feelings aloud (especially in regard to the videos) would have made me delete my blog altogether.
I have become a much stronger person since that time, and I am not ashamed.
Why should I be? I have a voice, like everybody else. I have been through problems and shit, like everybody else. And if my method of coping is to use my writing skill as a technique to help others, and they do help others, then I will embrace that at all costs.
People are going to find out (if they haven't already) that I was the girl who overdosed. Who was anorexic.
Who was depressed, and on prozac, and took 6 months out of education to recover. Word gets spread and people find out about these things, but the way that they handle it will allow me to recognise who my friends will be in this new year group.
The way I see things right now, I don't have much to lose. If my friends are not going to accept me as that person, fine.

Unfortunatly, some people do not see a person beyond somebody with a mental health illness.

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