This week, in our WeRFreEDomFighters collab, we discuss the idea of alternate therapies, and how ones in particular have assisted us with our recovery from our eating disorders and other mental health issues.
I specifically talk about the use of writing, and introduce the concept of the Wreck this Journal I used in a blog post a little while ago.
Okay, so the past few days have conjured up some interesting ideas and thoughts for me.
Ideas and feelings about coursework, especially. A lot of coursework in year 13 is very autonomous, a lot of decision making is left to the individual, and so we get essentially in English Literature and Media Studies to pick and choose our novels and topics we wish to write our coursework on.
I am aiming to examine the prospect of mental health/psychology in both subjects.
This year is going to be interesting for me in that respect, an avid learner, who gets to incorporate all of her passions and subjects into one. I wish to investigate how psychological disorders are represented in the tv and film industry, as well as comparing and contrasting the way authors present the issue of mental health in two different novels. Last year I studied 'Enduring Love', by Ian McEwan (amazing if you fancy a pretty freaky and odd read) and 'The Collector' by John Fowles (another amazing read) - and I may change one or both of my novels this year to adapt to the question once more.
As you can tell from the amount of writing I have already produced on this, I can't wait to get stuck in.
Such a geek.
Today was difficult.
Psychology hit something close to my heart as we are studying Eating Disorders, and we are focusing on anorexia as our main case study.
Just the way some people perceive the illness shocks me sometimes. Some comments were very not well thought out, in my opinion. Nobody has said anything very horrific yet so as to shock me silly, but you do realise through these lessons how much people must be educated about the damage and severity of these disorders.
My teacher presented me with an article to read in class 'I am now married to anorexia...' - I started to read it, and just couldn't bear to complete. Too much pain to relate to to read over that again.
I am also having severe complications over my University choices, again.
I am now really set on studying Psychology and English Literature at University, and the fact that there are no decent universities (in London) that provide this course are literally killing me.
Both subjects are my passions, and both subjects mean the world to me.
I have accepted a place at City University to study just Psychology next year, providing I achieve the grades AAB. Which seems pretty unrealistic in my eyes anyway.
But the idea of spending my life achieving only the top grades in English Literature and having the biggest passion for it, only to just throw it away as soon as I hit University really saddens me. I don't want to do it.
I really have no idea what to do, and know I will regret not studying Literature, yet I need my Psychology in my life. And I can't move out.
I have a boyfriend, commitments, other priorities.
I can't just randomly pack up and move to Bath Spa like that.
It isn't fair.
You know what else isn't fair? The amount of amazing teachers leaving my school this term.
I wanted to cry when Ms Hoyle kept talking about it today. She has been such a constant support, throughout everything, she puts a smile on my face and she was my inspiration to recover from depression.
She helped me achieve 100% in my English Literature AS exam.
And she is moving to Vietnam at the end of this academic year (next month) - to teach English and Drama.
Both my Media Studies teachers are also leaving, one of whom has been teaching me Media since year 10, and who is one of the most amazing teachers I have ever come across. And the other, very similar to Ms Hoyle in her amazing personality and consistant support.
I have no idea how I am going to keep myself strong without that support anymore.
I feel very sure I am going to fail next year without them.
One last thing,
I was called into the Head of Years office yesterday, to discuss how I was getting on -
He suggested the idea of me seeing the Sixth Form counseller, especially now I am soon to be off Prozac and removed from therapy, coinciding with going back to school all at once.
I told him that he should, only if that is what he wants me to do and if he thinks it's best for me. And supposedly it is, so I have a meeting with him at some point in the near future.
I want rid of counsellers, therapists, psychiatrists, doctors. I want to go a week without sitting at Thorpe Coombe hospital. I want to go for a whole year without seeing one person based upon my mental health.
But recovery from mental health isn't as simple.
I know that.
I need support at this school. And as much as I keep trying to tell myself that I want to be out of therapy and support, it isn't true. I really do need it, and yes, I know I am weak. But at the moment, with all these teachers and methods of support leaving, I will truly fall flat on my face once more and back into the spiral without some form of professional support.
And that is something that as much as I hate to admit, I have to.