Thursday, 30 June 2011

Still struggling...

Today in some respects has been worse then yesterday.
Had a lovely lunch with my best friend and Nathan, felt like I could then stay in the house unaided.
I was wrong.
2/3 hours later here I am, back at Nathans, feeling unsafe, and very likely to self-destruct.
And sometimes, even Nathan can't help me, because the lashing out and the violence reoccurs and I end up taking everything out on him anyway. Sometimes just the smallest things he says, consistantly asking me whether I am okay, telling me to look in his eyes so I can calm down, do not help at all.
I am afraid. Partly I understand this behaviour, but it is all so similar to previous encounters.

I am hoping that the school learning mentor will write for me to see him tomorrow. Although I must admit, he is not the best form of support, and I have only had two sessions with him, at the moment, he will be the only form of support I have, so I guess I will have to cherish it with open arms.
He isn't a trained counseller, psychiatrist, anything like that, just an average learning mentor for schools.
But I need to be open and honest, and if he does call me to see him I need to tell him. I can't struggle like this anymore.

I'm feeling so much like a failure right now. A thought I assumed I had eliminated. But I guess some thoughts will always pertrude your mind. There is no way I can get into City. My best friends are moving on with their lives, and I am stuck. I feel stuck. Perpetuated. And although I love my boyfriend to pieces, that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.
I guess those who are reading this will probably judge, I don't expect you not to. But this is serious. A very serious illness of which I have no control over when happens. And it's going to take a long time to get through.

2 comments:

  1. I hate to hear how you are struggling at the moment. Remember you won't feel this way forever. The feeling will pass. It always does.

    I want to ask if you have considered just staying on the original dose of Prozac? A huge life transition seems like a bad time to change up what's been working for you. I relate to a lot of what you are saying. I'm diagnosed MDD-major depressive disorder and just have to accept that medication and therapy are a part of my life now, in order to manage this illness long term. It doesn't mean I will always be struggling, but I will always have to manage the illness and get more support if it rears its head. Maybe you don't need to get off of it for now. Just my thoughts. I don't know all of your story. I just know you have helped me feel less shame about my depression and eating disorder, as you've helped others around the world. You deserve the treatment it takes to keep you healthy, physically and mentally. I hope that you get a therapist and psychiatrist to see you ASAP and who can follow you into your adulthood. You can make the grades and get into City. You are intelligent and hard working and will go on to do great things. Don't stop now! With your experience, knowledge and compassion you can make a huge difference in the field of mental health/psychology to enrich lives. Continue to use your voice. Ask for help and take care of yourself. You are worth it Amy. I'm cheering you on and am here for you any way I can...Lisa

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  2. Why are you withdrawing from Prozac?
    I know you have had intervention and have been discharged, but it is evident you are NOT okay and I would strongly urge you back to your GP with your mum/boyfriend, whoever, because you clearly need support and to be under the care of a psychiatrist.
    Or are you under the care of a psychiatrist?

    I was on Prozac and I was only on it a while when I was like 19 or 20 and I stopped it (stupidly I know).
    I can't remember how long I was on it.
    But I went mental.
    I was so angry and I actually, well, a while later, started self-harming, and I had never self-harmed before.
    I know some people who it works for, but more it works less.
    Drugs like Duloxetine are amazing and especially with the level of depression you are enduring.

    As for your friends moving on.
    I was the same.
    I completed my A levels, barely, and then tried university.
    Basically I didn't go back to university until I was 24.
    So everyone moved on.

    I feel like you are deteriorating FAST and it is a real concern <3

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