Today in some respects has been worse then yesterday.
Had a lovely lunch with my best friend and Nathan, felt like I could then stay in the house unaided.
I was wrong.
2/3 hours later here I am, back at Nathans, feeling unsafe, and very likely to self-destruct.
And sometimes, even Nathan can't help me, because the lashing out and the violence reoccurs and I end up taking everything out on him anyway. Sometimes just the smallest things he says, consistantly asking me whether I am okay, telling me to look in his eyes so I can calm down, do not help at all.
I am afraid. Partly I understand this behaviour, but it is all so similar to previous encounters.
I am hoping that the school learning mentor will write for me to see him tomorrow. Although I must admit, he is not the best form of support, and I have only had two sessions with him, at the moment, he will be the only form of support I have, so I guess I will have to cherish it with open arms.
He isn't a trained counseller, psychiatrist, anything like that, just an average learning mentor for schools.
But I need to be open and honest, and if he does call me to see him I need to tell him. I can't struggle like this anymore.
I'm feeling so much like a failure right now. A thought I assumed I had eliminated. But I guess some thoughts will always pertrude your mind. There is no way I can get into City. My best friends are moving on with their lives, and I am stuck. I feel stuck. Perpetuated. And although I love my boyfriend to pieces, that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.
I guess those who are reading this will probably judge, I don't expect you not to. But this is serious. A very serious illness of which I have no control over when happens. And it's going to take a long time to get through.