So yesterday, whilst alone in the house, I took my camera, whilst in a state of crying, set it to record, and literally blared everything out I needed to.
It took me a lot of guts to post last nights video on my channel and I am not entirely sure I am ready even to post it on this blog yet, due to people from school no doubtly finding it. I know I say often I don't care what people from school think, but I do to a small extent. But as I mention, it took me a lot of guts to say what I needed to say last night. And I want to thank everybody who tweeted, messaged, and commented me with the most amazing support - I know I haven't replied to everybody, but it really does mean the world that you care.
I was told to ring the doctors today and book an emergency appointment. I didn't do so, I didn't have the guts. There is so much I am scared of, so much to say, so much I need to do for myself, but when you are so perpetuated there seems to be no idealistic way of helping yourself.
Today, however, was a much better day.
I am loving the new people I am surrounded by at Sixth Form, a genuinly lovely bunch of people.
And I feel blessed to know you all.
However, it seems to be that I am not the only one breaking down this week.
Twice now, yesterday and today I have had to assist two friends in crying during lessons, where I have had to take them out and console them, make them feel better, and ultimately perform my role as a friend.
And this doesn't bother me whatsoever. I guess it helped me realise a few things about myself and what I sacrifice and give for other people and do for others. That maybe I am destined to work in the field of Psychology, and it didn't seem like such a fake dream after all. I think mainly going through what I have done has inspired me to come out with half the quotes and advice that I do. And in ways, I am thankful that I have been through all the shit that I have done.
I do often wonder with some people if it's a two way thing. I tend not to cry infront of people in school, but if I did would people be that supportive as I am for them? Teachers, of course they would. But I can identify with a lot of the issues going on in peoples lives, so it's easy for me to help them. A lot of people in my Sixth Form are not going through what I am. So it's hard.
(yeah, I know, random thoughts of the day splurring into one blog)
I am at Nathans tonight. He is working once more this week on a 3-11 shift, and I miss him so much. I haven't seen him since Monday, which seems silly but it's such a long time compared to the usual barely going a day without seeing him. I am just lying in bed waiting for him to come home, so I can be in his arms again.
I was speaking the other day to somebody about how everyone assumes that mine and Nathans relationship is perfect.
God, I wish.
I think the past few months have been the worst for us in regards to our relationship. Mainly because I have been deteriorating, and my method of outlash has been towards him.
I guess I have come to a conclusion recently however that not all relationships are perfect. I think without the disagreements and arguments, we wouldn't be a proper couple. Couples are meant to have arguments, and disagree, to work out each others weak areas and know how to improve.
And people assume that we never argue, that we walk around playing happy families. They must be so naive.
But at the same time, I am thankful for those arguments. I learn a lot about myself, and him, and we work around them, which is what makes the strong relationship that we have. No matter how much he has irritated me, I know I could never live without him.
Love is all about tests sometimes. And sometimes my logic wants me to fail, yet I always pass.
The feeling of being in love, there really is nothing like it.
My pulse is beating waiting for him to come home, just like it was when we first got together. That excitement and intensity.
I know life would never be the same without him.
I have come to a conclusion about the scenario with Mrs Smith. The more I see her around school, the more it pains me. So if I can, I am going to write her a letter and tell her that if she wants to speak to me she can, but I can't move on with my life without her forgiveness. I am hurt by the fact that she doesn't seem interested in making amends. She may want to put our past in a box, lock it away and be done with it, but I can't do that. Everytime she walks past me, it's pain. And I really don't want that pain hanging over my head all summer.
I am off to sleep now, and hopefully in a few hours time will be reunited with my baby again.