Friday, 1 July 2011

Breaking down

So of course, the school learning mentor did not send me a note in my register this morning.
I went to find him during my period 2 library period and he wasn't there.
Quite ironic actually, how the day I needed someone there he wasn't.
But more about that later.

I got through my day okay. Spent the whole of last night pondering on whether I should actually turn up.
But I woke up, and as tough as it was to face the day (as Nathan was even saying that he understood if I didn't want to go in which wasn't really helping, I needed that drive, that force) - I went into school.
One boy in particular pretty much upset me, exclaiming how I was mad and had I ever been psychotic. He keeps asking me questions at the moment about my depression, as if it never existed, it makes no sense. But the way he approached the issues was at first sympathetic, and then he attempted to make a joke out of them. In the end I got fed up, exclaimed he was pissing me off and asked him to leave.
He said he wasn't having a laugh but it was clear that he was and this shit is nothing to laugh about.

I had a good time during my period 4 lesson, getting signatures for a card for one of my good teachers who is leaving. Some teachers who I saw said it was good to see me back, and how it was courageous to come back and that it took a lot of guts, which made me smile, and it was nice to properly see old faces.
It was sad to be taking in collections and signitures for Mr Moan though. Despite the name, he is one of the most amazing teachers I have ever had, and I have had him since I was 14/15 years old so he will be greatly missed. He had a lot going on in his life which he didn't deserve and I really feel for him. He was very supportive and overall a nice person, which we all need in our everyday lives.

My last lesson was English Literature, and after spending the whole lesson trying to be strong, I had the guts to approach my teacher and talk to her, and open up and be honest about what had happened.
Of course, it didn't take long for me to burst into tears, but she was there for me, and was a support.
And I thank her so much for that. She didn't have to stay and talk to me, but she did.
And she is another one of the teachers leaving this term.
It is so hard having all this support literally taken from underneath your feet. Everything is happening at once.
I won't go into detail, but she is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met and inspired me to get better from depression. I hate admitting that I am falling, but I managed to. I am still not sure whether staying in on my own tonight is a good idea, but I am battling a war with myself. I am trying.

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