Monday, 11 July 2011

Letting go

I was a rebel today and didn't go into Sixth Form.
For two reasons, the first being the fact that I haven't been feeling mentally or physically fantastic. My eyes are playing up, my mouth hurts because I have a wisdom tooth coming through, I generally feel sick and nauseous, and mentally, the depression has been really up and down.
The second is that this week is activities week, and when you are in year 12 this means applying for UCAS. Which I have been there and done and sat through exactly one year ago. I am the only person in the whole year group who does not need to come in for any reasonable purpose today, so thought I wouldn't.

But last night, whilst I was feeling pretty unwell and was having one of my dizzy spells, I was also speaking to a friend about how the friendships within our group have distanced apart, and maybe we shouldn't make the time for these people in our lives and give them the effort of our friendship which they clearly will not return.
These people I am referring to, are my best friends.
I met them through my best friend who I have known since I was 10, who went to a different school from me and like most of my friends, are in the year above me.
These people, were my rocks. My life-saviours, because they were the only group of people who accepted myself as a person. Growing up, being bullied and excluded consistantly, I wasn't used to that, and it felt wonderful to be accepted into a group of friends.
They lived a little way from me, but it never used to bother me getting the bus over to see them.

Then, last September, they went to University.
The weekend before my 18th birthday.
The picture above was the picture we took on that night. Before everything changed.

And I cried. I cried like a baby.
Because they meant the world to me, and although I wanted to try and convince myself that we would all still be as close as we always were, I have no idea who I was kidding.
My friends went all over the country, ranging from Wales, to Warwickshire, to West London.
Relationships split within the group.
And I appeared to be ignored by those I always thought were closest.
Some gave up on the group, evidently a long time ago. Moved on.
But my best friend of the group has given me the impression that she doesn't want to know. The one who I have been there for throughout all the shit, has decided that University has taken over her life.
Whenever I try to confront her about the fact she doesn't appear to be talking to me, she always uses the excuse that I don't know what it's like. Because she's at University. Because she's doing A-levels. Because she's doing GCSEs. Because clearly, she has the higher moral and upper ground in comparison to me because I am a measly four months younger then her.
I know full well the stresses and strains she is being placed under, but it gives some people no excuse.
And I guess it is reaching a stage where in order to keep my health stable, I can't keep running and chasing people who don't want to know.
I guess it has reached a stage where I need honesty. And some respect.
And trust me, it's not everybody in the group, and I know it's not just me who feels this way.
And it makes me feel even worse because I have taken the time out. I'm even further behind.
I don't want to be forgotten. And I am being.
I understand that at University you move on. Make new friends. But it doesn't mean you can leave the ones behind. And what upsets me more is that some of my friends have left me for people who treat them like shit.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that I am not sure whether these people actually want to be in my life anymore. I want them to let me know. I want them to actually communicate with me. But if they have moved on then I can't keep lingering in the past, and I have to too, as hard and as painful as that may be.

I love them all so much.
But relationships are a two way thing.

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