My mind is once again fighting the war between positivity and negativity. It's either on one side, the other, or they fight and compete, and I can feel it doing that tonight.
Monday and Tuesday were absolute havoc. I was so unwell when it got round to Tuesday that I took another day off. Managed to make it to my hospital appointment (just) and took everything out on my psychiatrist. I blamed him for making me like this. For taking me off the pills too early. And now I am petrified of coming back on them incase I have another episode.
I know it isn't really his fault. But because I was so unwell at the time I took anything out on anybody. It had been such a tough week. I took a concoction of about 9 or 10 pills at some point last week to try and rid the pain. I can't even remember what day it was.
My parents got so concerned they rung Thorpe Coombe and asked to talk to the psychiatrist and asked what was wrong with me. My parents, especially my mother, really panicked for ages and I once again had to try and convince her nothing was wrong. I was so sure this was another episode and a period I would come out of.
I seem to have come out of it for now. Wednesday onwards has essentially been pretty damn fantastic. I went to see Ke$ha and LMFAO on Wednesday night (with the inter-form tug of war during the day), had a nice day at Sixth Form on Thursday, and Friday we went to Brighton with the Sixth Form for the day. So all in all, it was really nice.
I was supposed to be spending it working, but my mother randomly cancelled it at the last minute. I think it was because she knew I was falling.
But I am going to spend the summer entirely skint, and that depresses me.
I have been shouted at by God knows how many friends for cancelling on them for having no money. And trust me, all I want is money. But realistically I am still sick and I am pushing myself when I am not ready yet.
In regards to friends, I think I am going to have to start moving on soon.
There are certain people really holding me back. And making me feel unworthy. I don't need that whilst in recovery. I can't chase people and make efforts with people who I only argue with, or get shouted at from.
'Friends' has become a very odd word for me at the moment. I have no idea who my real friends are. Besides Nathan I literally have no clue and I want somebody to come along and change that for me. Hopefully my new friends at Sixth Form will provide me with that, and that would be lovely to have a fresh start and a change of scenary from those who exist to drag me down.
Nathan is working night-shifts all next week, so it's going to be tough depression wise.
I hope I can do it.
And I apologise for my poor writing skills recently - a lot has been happening: