Thursday, 18 August 2011

I hate these periods of depression - they are literally the worst.
Describing my mind earlier to a friend, I used the term, a blank canvas. There is a brain, a mind, capable of functioning and capable of being worked on, but just nothing is working, there is no picture. Nothing is clear, painted out in stone for me. I'm not entirely sure how I feel because I don't think there is anything there. I can't see tomorrow. I have no emotion - just staring blankly at a wall unable to express my feelings towards those closest to me - pushing my boyfriend of 2 years away telling him repeatedly to leave me because I'm working my utmost hardest to shut people out from my life.

I often wonder whether these strains in my eyes and the pains in my head I am going to the eye doctors at the hospital soon for is about any of this. Overthinking is causing no good to my head - I am writing this blog with a pounding headache and eye strain once more for about the 3rd time this week, preventing my from doing any of my media work, or reading my Jane Austen to calm me down.

I'm struggling to view the light, university, a job, marriage seems so unreachable and somewhere I will never travel to. I seem perpertually stuck in the present day, I feel unmovable. It's so difficult to think I am going to be 19 years old next month - it seems so unreal because I know even then I won't be at the point in my life I should have reached. I should be at university at 19 years old. I should have been getting my A-level results today along with thousands of other 18 year olds.

I am terrified the depression is going to absorb me and prevent my education again - I almost don't want to live to see if it will even happen because it terrifies me to allow it.

I want Lynda back and I know she is also unreachable. I know she maybe wouldn't have sorted everything out but she would have least helped me to have seen the light. I can't talk to anybody at home, and I can't speak to Nathan, not now...

1 comment:

  1. Hi Amy,

    I'm really sorry that you've been struggling so much...

    I (and I'm sure that many others too) really appreciate that you share your struggles here. I think I can relate quite a bit - with my mind as a blank canvas, unable to use my brain, feeling numb and unable to describe why and unwilling to do too much about it and just wanting to sleep...

    And, I don't think that your future is bleak at all. To me at least, you seem extremely smart, talented and hard-working. Just be patient with yourself. Missing a year or two in school is NOT going to affect you in long term.

    Anyway, just wanted to send some support. I've been feeling pretty down recently as well. Reading your blog makes me (and many others) feel less alone. But most importantly, I hope it makes you feel a bit better to write down what's on your mind.

    Hope today is a better day for you :-)