I haven't been in the mood to write/blog in quite a long time now. Since my last blog post I have self-harmed again, which is something I hate admitting yet feel I have to in ways. I don't understand the logic in lying to you guys, it's not fair and is not realistic.
I have been told this past week - that my step-dads father, my Grandad, is getting worse. He suffers from Parkinsons disease, as well as bipolar disorder - and his Parkinsons disease is gradually getting worse. I have heard that he is beginning to lose feeling on the right hand side of his body, as well as not being able to get up in the morning, falling over all the time, and losing the ability to do everyday normal human activities. I am losing him, and although in a sense I could never really connect with him when I first met him due to his bipolar - I never thought I could lose him more than this.
The thing about Parkinsons disease, is that is a disease of deterioration - which doesn't lead to death. It just causes the nerve cells in the body to rapidly deteriorate. The thing is though, as horrible as this sounds, I want his pain to end. I don't want to have to keep being told he is getting worse. I have no idea how much worse this could possibly get - and once again, I am fearing going to visit him because of all these reasons and more. My Dad doesn't really know how to cope with it all - and expects me to not care and doesn't understand why I am so upset about this. To be honest - I can't describe my reaction to it all, it just serves as an example of somebody else I am losing.
I have emailed the school learning mentor - currently on holiday in South Africa, yet I really hope he replies soon. I return to Sixth Form in a week from today, and I will need all the support I can get.
I have had a wonderful night out with friends last night, we went to Nuevos and The George pub. And it was really lovely and really funny - yet again I am back home contemplating my life and how everyone is moving on, they all return to university soon, in the next week or so. I feel as if I haven't had anybody face to face to speak to in ages - I never realised how going so long without therapy would be this hard - but I have to face the rest of my life without it, I can't do it.