So after a week of battling with my emotions, I finally succumbed to the demon that is self-injury last night. And in ways of which I don't want to sound triggering, it slightly helped. All of that pent up emotion couldn't be lashed out anywhere else and it has just taught me that without therapy now, I need to start discovering some pro-active solutions to vent out my feelings. Usually in this circumstance I would have been able to speak to Lynda, or a teacher at school, or somebody - and now that isn't possible I need something or someone. I do regret self-harming last night but I feel somewhat that I have purged everything that needed to let go from my body (without of course purging). I spoke to Jason about it last night who agreed with me - yet I am not suggesting this to anybody and want to work myself on finding some more coping strategies that I built up through my 6-8 month recovery process from depression - and I think you should too.
I woke up this morning, got showered and dressed, and made a video as a distraction - doing something positive for YouTube always helps, plus the editing process of the videos can take a long time so that is always productive when you have a long day ahead. I have spent a lot of the morning catching up on videos and emails - especially watching back-to-back episodes of two wonderful girls who have a channel called Mentalhealthhelpuk - and of which I have picked up some very useful tips and advice, not just in regard to my mental health problems but within making my videos too. I may do some cleaning and distracting in that form, and then who knows what is going to happen. But since that little episode I think I have gained a little bit of strength and positive energy (from somewhere) to start again.
It's a shame that I sunk into that period of self-harm again - the last time was the first day back at Sixth Form, and for reasons of which I couldn't entirely remember other then panicking that I wasn't going to be able to cope. So it's been about two months - but I have gone much longer without it before, and it is definatly not as frequent. I know I can live without it.