Tuesday, 13 September 2011

*trigger warning*

Okay, so the past few weeks or so I have been self-harming everyday, or every other day.
And it's worrying me. At least I am recognising that something is wrong, and that I need to get help

It's becoming an addiction, and has been becoming addicting in the past few weeks. I spent all day focusing on my persona, when all I wanted to do was delve into my shadow.

I am meeting with one of the only people I can be honest with on Friday - and I am going to try my hardest to be honest with her, tell her about the self harm, and just try and let it all out.

I saw a woman yesterday, the new school learning mentor, the woman who is replacing the old learning mentor I saw before the end of term.
And I didn't like her.
Yes, say that I am quick to judge, but I felt patronised almost. I tried to explain depression to her and it was like communicating with a brick wall, she was saying how 'everyone goes through it' and those kinds of things. No, this is a diagnosed illness which I am on medication for, please do not try and make me sound as if I am overreacting about nothing.
Even my head of year didn't sound particularly nice about it when I spoke to him, how I should perservere with her, as she is used to dealing with the lower school and probably doesn't have much experience dealing with more serious issues to do with older students. So why put her with me then? Because sometimes you need a rocket scientist to figure out my mind.

I am 19 next week.
Of course the prospect of a birthday is exciting, and although I know I am getting one year older, I still feel stuck. The fact I have to reapply for university is not helping, knowing in my heart of hearts that literature is my dream and yet still going with Psychology is making me feel low. I used to feel ahead of the people in my current year group but now they are ahead of me.

I really want to get cracking on all my coursework. I can feel it all building up already. My feminist critique coursework, my comparative coursework and my media coursework. Too many things to think about, and I have only been back for days.
I keep telling myself that I can get through it all by self-harming, releasing that inner pain every so often.
But with the way I am going, I can see myself going too far one day, and then there definatly will be no going forward.

4 comments:

  1. just checking that blogger allows me to comment now..

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  2. and it does :)
    I really have so much to talk to you about but not entirely sure where to begin with this comment. I have been reading and trying to keep up with what's going on for you and I feel like I am a big sister or something. That you need a hug and just to talk and find your direction. It's a hell of a scary place when you feel lost and unsure. Be patient and love yourself darling. You will find your path xxx

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  3. PS - know that you can call or email or message me

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  4. I hope you are able to connect with someone in your program and feel heard and encouraged. I'm thinking of you and wishing you well! ~Lis

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