Tuesday, 6 December 2011

After three months of neglect, I have returned to my blog, and unfortunately, not much has changed.
To sum up, I am still self-harming, had to take time out of school for overdosing again, putting on weight and binging ever so much, however I am seeing a private counseller which things are going well with.

I am shaking tonight. I feel numb, in limbo. Last night, I cut my thigh quite deeply, and what makes me laugh is the pain I currently feel in my leg I feel like I deserve, like this should be natural, I should feel pain when I lie on my right hand side.
One of the things I have a real talent for is placing on a mask. I don't pretend to like my friends, I love them, but I pretend to be 100% content with my life and everything around it. I pretend to stay strong, so I can use my strength to help and support others. Imagine a bridge, over a river. It's wooden. Rapid deterioration causes that wood to disintegrate right, and chip away into the river? Well, I am those tiny specks of wood. And I am afraid that pretty soon there won't be anything left of me.

I have mock exams this week and my perfectionist standards are rising. I have to sit my exams separatly due to anxiety and to be honest, I don't even think that is going to help. I think I will still fuck up.
I will fuck up. I don't want to get through university, I don't. I don't know what I want anymore and it's killing me.

2 comments:

  1. :-( I'm really sorry that you've been having such a hard time lately, Amy... I wish I could help somehow. You do not deserve to be in pain. You deserve to be truly happy. (I know - it sounds really cliche, but it's true!)

    Glad to hear that you started seeing a counselor again. Hopefully it will continue being of help.

    Not sure what else to say other than that I relate to a lot of what you said in your post.

    Hope the exams went well and that you had a good weekend!

    xxx

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  2. You want to get better and you want to remember that.
    The bingeing (from what I know from you) will make the self hate worse and therefore the self harm worse.
    All I can say is that with the private therapist, you need to address the eating disorder.
    I think, and I could be wrong, that most of this distress, disorder, pain, hurt comes from the eating disorder.
    That produces self hate.
    You restrict to stay so thin, you self harm because you think you deserve it, you then binge because of the restriction and you are caught in this manic and destructive spiral.
    You deserve so much more Amy.
    I have been there.
    I have the scars, a body that is like an old lady's.
    You can come through this, you just have to remember that you can do this and that you DO want to recover <3

    Rachel <3

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