Thursday, 30 June 2011

Still struggling...

Today in some respects has been worse then yesterday.
Had a lovely lunch with my best friend and Nathan, felt like I could then stay in the house unaided.
I was wrong.
2/3 hours later here I am, back at Nathans, feeling unsafe, and very likely to self-destruct.
And sometimes, even Nathan can't help me, because the lashing out and the violence reoccurs and I end up taking everything out on him anyway. Sometimes just the smallest things he says, consistantly asking me whether I am okay, telling me to look in his eyes so I can calm down, do not help at all.
I am afraid. Partly I understand this behaviour, but it is all so similar to previous encounters.

I am hoping that the school learning mentor will write for me to see him tomorrow. Although I must admit, he is not the best form of support, and I have only had two sessions with him, at the moment, he will be the only form of support I have, so I guess I will have to cherish it with open arms.
He isn't a trained counseller, psychiatrist, anything like that, just an average learning mentor for schools.
But I need to be open and honest, and if he does call me to see him I need to tell him. I can't struggle like this anymore.

I'm feeling so much like a failure right now. A thought I assumed I had eliminated. But I guess some thoughts will always pertrude your mind. There is no way I can get into City. My best friends are moving on with their lives, and I am stuck. I feel stuck. Perpetuated. And although I love my boyfriend to pieces, that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.
I guess those who are reading this will probably judge, I don't expect you not to. But this is serious. A very serious illness of which I have no control over when happens. And it's going to take a long time to get through.

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

New video and withdrawal from prozac issues

Hello all!

Something happened to me today which has really affected the way that I view my medication. Sometimes you are unable to notice whether medication has had an effect on you and your way of living, but after the withdrawal from the medication for the past two weeks, the symptoms have been horrible and feels almost as if I am reverting towards my old behaviours.

I must be honest and say I had never really researched the withdrawal effects of Prozac. But now after researching I can certainly apply myself to a vast majority of the symptoms which frightens me.
Over the past week or so, I have been engaging in episodes of a violent temper. They literally appear to burst from nowhere, sometimes just a noise that inturrupts silence (that's how minimal the issue is) and I will burst into a flourish of anger.
The other night I began to tense up in my hands, which is how I knew an agitated mindset was approaching, and wanted to hit anything in my way. When Nathan asked what was wrong I shouted how much I wanted and needed to be left to sleep otherwise I would do something I would regret.

Today though, it was far worse. Again, another temper arose from me out of something so small and trivial, I got angry, starting tensing in my hands, and proceeded to throw my phone against the TV. The back came off and the battery came out, and when Nathan started shouting at me saying it was a stupid thing to do, I went mad. I went to get my phone, and he held me back, and then I lost control. I started doing anything in my power to get away, pushing him, throwing my arms anywhere not even caring if they were hitting him. I got so out of control that he restrained me like he would a criminal who had just been arrested. He literally had to hold me down. After screaming at him to let me go, I ran into the bathroom, shut the door and sat with my back against it.After about 10 minutes of Nathan trying to get in, I finally let him.
But when he did get in I couldn't look at him. I had tears streaming down my face and my head was in my hands and I was curled up in a small little ball in my bathroom. I was a wreck. Nathan managed to pull me up straight and kept asking me to look at him, and I couldn't. Exclaiming how he was better off without me, and he wouldn't listen. Another 10 minutes passed before I eventually calmed down, until I started to feel faint, then Nathan carried me into the living room to lie down on the settee to calm down.

This isn't me. I am not an angry or violent person and I hate how it is making me this way to the person I love more then anything else in the world. This makes me worry. Maybe depending on medication was the worst idea ever established? Maybe I can never live a life without medication?
It's worrying me, and most of all, I worry about my future and my life more then ever before.

I need to speak to the psychiatrist next week about this. I know withdrawal is supposed to be difficult, but really? I'm turning into a monster, it feels like sometimes.
Being so alone is going to be so much harder then I originally thought.

A Secret Shared collab

As well as actively being the 'Fabulous Friday' girl for the WeRFreEDomFighters collaboration channel on YouTube, I also take part in a collaboration channel called A Secret Shared, which is something I probably haven't discussed as much on my blog yet. Whilst watching the most recent video about our Bucket Lists (something I hope to blog about soon) - I thought it was only right to post the latest video from us girls, our Bucket Lists, dreams, and aspirations.



Please check it out!

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

The end of an era...

Well, that's essentially what it feels like today.

Saw Lynda for the very last time today, which was emotional. It hasn't really hit me yet that for the first time in about a year I am not going to be sitting in her room discussing the latest in my week, my fluctuating moods, and everything inbetween. It was so hard to say goodbye. To someone who has supported you since day one, and never gave up on you.

She even got me a present, which I was SO surprised at! I opened it when I got on the bus and it contained to my surprise a Cath Kidston makeup bag/mirror/shower gels/toiletries, plus a cute little card where she exclaimed how much she enjoyed our work together, even when times had been hard. I was so shocked, yet so thankful that she could be so wonderful and sweet as to get me something that she knew I would love, when she totally didn't have to whatsoever and was so unexpected.

But I guess Lynda and I were different.
I was so thankful and I wish there was now a way I could properly thank her.
But it was an emotional time today.

She praised me for the progress I had made since we first started seeing each other last August. (I had been going CAMHS since last Febuary, but was only seeing Amit at the time). I thanked her for everything. She stuck by me through all the overdosing shit, and everything where she could have given up on me and left entirely. We spoke about random things besides my mental health, and she exclaimed how she was going to miss that. My love for Literature, Psychology, and little bits about Nathan which made her laugh. She said whenever she saw anything with Jane Austen in she would always think of me.
She always made me feel better in the sessions, by saying something silly or just cracking a joke.
She referred to me as the 'headless chicken' - which some people could take offence to but I laughed.
I'm going to miss all of it, despite the point of me going is to recover from a serious illness.

People have had different experiences of CAMHS, I know. But I hadn't been with CAMHS forever and it had taken many different counsellers outside of the CAMHS system before I was referred to Thorpe Coombe on February the 1st last year and provided with that support. And although it has been so hard, I have fought and fought with Amit and Lynda plenty of times, shouted at them, told them they were wrong, told them I was never ill.
They were right, and they saved my life.

Lynda thinks I am angry at her because she is leaving. Which isn't true. I'm not angry at HER per se, I am angry at the cuts being made to social workers and important mental health staff in this country.
Why should we be made to suffer? I was given essentially a month to say my goodbyes to Lynda and very soon Amit and then am rid of therapy altogether. Because of the cuts and also because I am too old.
It's just not fair.
Lynda kept apologising for the very short advance period she made to tell me she was leaving, which I know she couldn't help. Most therapists give their clients at least 3 months, I was barely given a month. To jump from seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly, as well as being on anti-depressants, to then be told that you are now seeing neither, and are being taken off medication, is a huge step. Combined with going back to Sixth Form.
Everyone appears to be out for themselves.

I spoke to Lynda how I didn't quite feel ready for the removal of medication. I have had irritable and angry moods for no reason for the past week, where I get frustrated at little things which make me want to self-harm. I have no idea whether this is due to the decreasing of the medication, but along with not seeing Amit and Lynda and going out on my own, living without my only other stable method of reliability is going to be so difficult and I am not sure if I can manage it. I can't be on medication forever, and I don't want to be, but whilst I at least get myself stable and comfortable with my new surroundings I may be able to start decreasing again.

So today, was the end of an era, sounds dramatic but true.
I am going to miss Lynda so much, and even Amit when I see him for the last time next week.
Another chance to go out on my own and face the world.
Can I do it?

Monday, 27 June 2011

Troubled Young Minds

Whilst researching for my media coursework, I came across this documentary which focuses on banishing the stigma associated with mental health disorders in young people, the stress and pressure we are faced with when dealing with these illnesses, and others. It is entitled 'Troubled Young Minds'

If you are reading this blog and do not know much about mental health, I urge you to watch this. Try to understand. After you have watched the first clip, there should be a part two-six for you to keep watching.

Thank you.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

End of the weekend thoughts...

It's been such a gorgeous, beautiful and wonderful day in London today. This kind of weather makes me happy. It even permits me to wear dresses without tights (which, considering my body image issues, is something effectively near impossible in my book)

I bought Lynda a thank you card to give to her on Tuesday. I wanted to get her a present as well, but what gift on Earth could you possibly buy somebody who has helped you from the worst stages in your life? Who has literally given you the hand when you had fallen, and helped you back up again.
I have no idea what to write in the card. I never usually struggle with my writing but this time I feel like I really have to choose my words carefully. I want to say everything that I want to say, incase I never get to see her again, which is very likely. It's such a shame I form such close attachments to some people, it just becomes far too difficult to be able to let them go.

I guess I was so used to people disowning me and letting me down, that having somebody there who actually never gave up and insisted on sticking around for me made me cling to her as a support system even more.
That is exactly what I did with Mrs Smith, and we all know how that turned out. And Nathan.
So for once, guys, I am struggling to find the words to say. I plan to sit down tomorrow and write it out. And it is only a little card so I won't even be able to write much, but I hope it is enough to convey across the amount of thanks I give her for everything she has done.

People like her allow me to realise that there is still kindness left in the world. It becomes so difficult to recognise that sometimes, especially with the scary stories Nathan recalls about his policing duties or just random things I hear from friends about other peoples wrongdoings.
'You're beautiful, it's society that's fucked' - is the quote going through my head right now.
Unfortunatly, nothing is perfect. Not everyone is going to be understanding, accepting, good-natured and kind-hearted.
However, the small amount of people we can find who persue those qualities we can cherish and cling onto and appreciate them with our hearts. And recognise them for everything they have done.
I have recently been perusing in the idea of buying a few self-help books, considering the week after next is the last appointment with the psychiatrist and then I am left to be essentially alone.
I am not always a fan of the idea of self-help books, but I guess I can give them a go and attempt to find one that is successful is trying to raise my mood and keep my spirit and motivational levels high.
Considering I am reading two other books at the moment - Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov (amazing) and Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier it may take a while to get through.
Watch this space.

The scars from Thursdays self-injury are still apparent and show no signs of fading anytime soon. And it pains me to once again, look at the damage I have caused to my stomach. The part of my body I hate so very much and has enough scars on it already without me adding more.
Everytime I feel I have gotten rid of one self-destructive tool, I always manage to find something else. There always seems to be a way to harm myself, diet pills, overdosing, self-harming, bashing my head against the wall, punching the wall. No matter how I try and eliminate it, there will always be a way, which frightens me.
What frightens me more is that I thought I was past this. I went through a serious phase of self-injuring in years 8/9 where I was being horrifically bullied, then years 10/11 it only occured very occasionally. Even in Sixth Form it only occured at times of deep despair and up until last Monday, hadn't occured since the overdose November last year.
So I do ask myself why I begun that method again. It makes no sense.
Maybe I am not at that stage yet to understand why.

It's my 3rd week back at Sixth Form tomorrow.
Lets make it a good one.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

A day of aspirations

So I visited City University, visited the Social Sciences building, and sat in the talk with lecturers discussing the reasons to study Psychology at City University, why be at City University in the first place, and what it could provide for me.
And I loved it.
There was something about the place that fit me, and fit what I was looking for.
I was slightly disheartened however, by the fact that they have raised the grades for 2012 to AAA. My heart essentially collapsed - panicking, I asked the admissions officer and he said that because I had applied and received my offer for 2012 at an AAB standard, then I should still be allowed into the university with the grades of AAB. Which calmed me slightly, but I still look at myself and consider AAB even to be unrealistic for my capabilities.

My mind is having an argument with itself at the moment, as it tends to do whenever negative thoughts kick in.
The rational part of my brain argues, why shouldn't I have faith and confidence in myself to get those grades? If I can achieve As in Psychology and an A in English Literature (achieving 100% in last years AS exam) - then why on earth is that unrealistic to achieve that at A2 standard?
But this is where my irrational part of my mind plays a part and tells me it is impossible. Because it is you, Amy, you will not get entirely what you want. You do not deserve to sit in the same room as all these intelligent people, you are a failure and will continue to be so.
And they have been fighting like this the whole day.

I must admit, rationality is winning slightly now depression is a little more balanced - on a perhaps 70/30% basis.
I know that 2A's and a B, or even 3A's, is achievable. I have done it before. I realistically should have achieve the A in last years media exam, obviously didn't, and am resitting in January in hope that that A will still be there. If I do get that A in January it means that 3 As are possible. So why can it not be done?
Westminster is my insurance choice, and I am visiting it next Wednesday. They are prepared to accept me on the basis of achieving ABB. Which if I get any lower then those grades, I don't think I would want to go to university anyway. I wouldn't feel good enough.
I want to work myself hard as I always have done, but not to the point where I get ill again. I need to find a balance. I need to look for that balance somewhere, I am hoping it can be done.
I am trying to look towards the positive however, which is always a good thing. If I have admirations for a future, including a Bsc degree, and no doubt a Masters and post-graduate, followed by a career in Psychology, then why shouldn't it happen to me?

Am with Nathan now, so will speak to you soon!

Friday, 24 June 2011

Positive thoughts and people reading my blog!

Well, lets get the negative part out of the way and mentioned I relapsed once again into self-injury last night.
Why, is not really essential. But to me it's a small sign that maybe getting better will take longer then originally thought. It's not something I am proud of, was spontaneous and was not planned.
But things have been onwards and upwards since then so I'm going to forget about it for now.

Today however was lovely.
Again, friendships have been forming and I feel like I am fitting in.
I haven't felt like that in a very long time, and it's nice to know that people can accept me for the person I am.

The topic of blogs is something dominating the Sixth Form at the moment.
People have been finding the blogs of two of my friends and I hesitate it won't be long until they find mine too.
I have nothing to hide. I don't discuss anybody here. I am a nice friendly person with nothing to feel guilty for. I discuss openly my issues with mental illness, as well as random dibdabs of my day.
A girl came up to me today in Media exclaiming she had found my blog. I had to admit at first I had a feeling she was going to critisise me for it. But later on I received the most wonderful Facebook message from her exclaiming how beautiful my writing was and how much I was respected by her, and I have to be honest, I welled up a little.
Considering I don't know her very well, and she has managed to say that to me, it means the world and has enabled me to want to keep going.
I had thoughts earlier of deleting my blog. But really, I don't understand why I should. Aside from no doubt a few people who are probably going to be judgemental, everyone so far has been really accepting about what has happened. I am not insane, mad or horrible at all, I am not a bitchy person, I am nice, kind, friendly, outgoing and I help and assist others with problems facing their day. That is what I do.

And plus, I have met a huge range of people through the YouTube community and my collab with the WeRFreEDomFighters girls. I have no idea how anyone could be disrespectful to somebody who has managed to inspire so many people and enabled them to get help through talking to them through the screen, or in person. It's a nice way for the girls on the collab to keep up with what I am getting up to, and how things are going. Plus writing is my outlet, always has been and always will be, and I could never be ashamed to admit that.

But thanks to the wonderful girls and guys who have been there, here are just a few of them - including some pictures of us taking pictures in English Lit :D





So overall, a lovely day with lovely people, and this also includes Zara, Sam, Glen, Hannah (both of them) and loads more others.

So, tomorrow I am off to visit my firm choice university, City.
Anticipating it like mad, as I feel that it is so out of my depths.
A boy previously in my English class when I was in my old year group gave me some reassurance earlier, which was great, some confidence I don't think I had encountered for a few days.I do try now to have as much confidence in myself as possible, otherwise I know depression will rear it's ugly head and I would never have the motivation to do anything and go anywhere.
So tomorrow, I am going to do my utmost best to believe in myself that I will indeed be going to this University in 2012.
The future, indeed, is bright.
(no cheesy pun intended)

P.s - Fabulous Friday video is up for this week, where we discuss guilt of hurting others.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Hungover on a school day...

Clearly I thought a huge argument with my boyfriend was an excuse to go out that evening, get ridiculously drunk and throw up everywhere.
Trust me, I am left hanging today.

I'm not going to go into details about this argument with Nathan, and we are fine now, but why do I use everything as an excuse for everything else?
Lets put it this way, I need a good sleep and a relax.

So, last therapy session next week according to Lynda.
As it's approaching I am getting more and more upset. I want it to end because I want to feel like I have moved on and I am recovering well, but I will miss Lynda and the team a lot. Some people have had bad experiences with CAMHS, and mine were at first, but after I met Lynda and got to know her things did change and the trust began to develop and the relationship built. And now, as we approach our final session, it's a sad time.
A lot of things are going to be changing in the next few weeks. I haven't taken my Prozac in two days now.
Lynda is going, followed by Amit (the psychiatrist) in due course. It's a scary prospect.

Another thing I wanted to mention today is the idea of my new year group finding out that I have this blog.
When I was in my library period, I heard a girl talking about my friend Ellis (www.lifeofasixthformer.wordpress.com) and how she had a blog. And the way she said it was that she was teasing her about that fact she had found it, how ridiculous is that that she blogs her life everyday, and was laughing about it and so forth. Apparently the idea that she has a blog has been going around the whole Sixth Form, and appears to some the most ridiculous and inhumane idea to ever exist.
And I guess it's okay for somewhat 'perfect' people to say things like that.
But this is where it starts angering me.

If the people at Sixth Form find my blog, and I doubt it won't be long before they do, then great.
Maybe two or three years ago, just the idea of somebody from my school finding my thoughts and feelings aloud (especially in regard to the videos) would have made me delete my blog altogether.
I have become a much stronger person since that time, and I am not ashamed.
Why should I be? I have a voice, like everybody else. I have been through problems and shit, like everybody else. And if my method of coping is to use my writing skill as a technique to help others, and they do help others, then I will embrace that at all costs.
People are going to find out (if they haven't already) that I was the girl who overdosed. Who was anorexic.
Who was depressed, and on prozac, and took 6 months out of education to recover. Word gets spread and people find out about these things, but the way that they handle it will allow me to recognise who my friends will be in this new year group.
The way I see things right now, I don't have much to lose. If my friends are not going to accept me as that person, fine.

Unfortunatly, some people do not see a person beyond somebody with a mental health illness.

Monday, 20 June 2011

Fathers day

So yesterday was Fathers day.
I didn't actually spend yesterday with my father as such, as I went up to Clacton to visit Nathans family.
But this blog is going to be dedicated towards my father, and my issues that surround that.

I was discussing with the WeRFreEDomFighters girls yesterday about my situation with my father.
I actually live with my step-dad, whom I have referred to as Dad since I was around 7 years old.
It was natural and acceptable for me to do that, he was the person who brought me up, in hindsight.
That doesn't mean things have been a bed of roses in that respect.

I do often wonder where my real father is. I mean, I doubt anyone wouldn't in my position.
He wasn't the nicest of people. He was violent, aggressive, and couldn't face up to the reality of having children. Time and time again he returned, wanting to see me, and as soon as I got interested in the prospect of seeing him again, he wouldn't want to know, ignoring my phone calls, etc.
The last time I saw him I was 10 years old.

My real dad used me to get to my Mum. Everytime he heard my Mum had broken up with my step-dad, he used seeing me as an excuse to get to her.
I keep having to remind myself of that, to remind myself that he doesn't care, and never did.
I have to remind myself not to think of things like that.

My step-dad, however, brought me up. Hence me calling him Dad.
But we have been violent towards one another. Hurtful. Mean. Aggressive. He has made many attempts to walk out on our family.

I miss this relationship above.
When I first met him, things were so rosy. I was so excited at the prospect of having a Dad in my life that I cherished it with open arms. We did everything together, and commited so much time to our relationship.
That was then.
Since being a teenager, it has been arguments galore with us.
And some things that he has said, I can't forgive him for.
Our personalities clash so much, and it leads into many arguments.
Over my teenage years it was ultimatly the worst relationship ever experienced, we appeared at each others throats everyday.

He threw a glass of freezing cold water over me during an argument and left me to sit in it, weeping.

Some things, you just don't forget.

But you can attempt to move on.
I'm trying. With a lot of family therapy, we attempted to get through each others personalities, what makes each other tick and sets each other off. And it helped.
He still doesn't understand me, or my life. But I know that is him, and I can't expect him to do that now.
My version of a father wasn't him. At all.
But I respect him ultimately for taking me on as a part in his life, something which he could have thrown away.
And maybe even one day, we could have that perfect father and daughter relationship.
It just seems a little distant, for now.



All I want for Fathers day is to feel like I have a father.
It's a shame that that isn't the case with everybody.
Dad, I love you.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Fighting urges *trigger warning*

*TRIGGER WARNING*



Not being able to describe how you feel is the worst thing.
When Nathan asks what is wrong with me I want to find the words that are so easy to look for when writing an English essay or making up a coherant intelligent answer in Psychology.
But when it comes to myself, my mind and what goes on inside it, there are no words.

That is specifically what I have been struggling with today.
I have laid in bed since getting home from Lakeside earlier, paralysed.
Tired, achey, and not wanting to be with anybody or do anything. Even Nathan was bothering me part of the time. I have been like this all day, and as many times as Nathan will ask what is wrong, I can't tell him.
This is my clear indicator, I am not ready for the removal of Prozac, just yet.
It's like being how I was last year, and that is a scary prospect.

I want to starve. I want to exercise. I want to cut.
Yes of course, I can fight those urges a lot better then I could last year, but the fact the thoughts are still there?
Worries me a lot.
I am looking at the marks on my wrist from Monday, slowly fading yet may leave a scar. I regretted it on Tuesday, knowing that I was having a much better day and that I didn't deserve that, now, on Saturday, I look at my wrist and think I deserve every last inch of it.
I hate what mental illness does to you. Wrecks your brain. Deceives you.
Makes the best and most able people feel like they are nothing.

I know starving will wreck my intelligence. But I look at my mum losing weight. Counting her calories. Doing her exercise. And I miss that. She hasn't had this much willpower to lose weight for ages, and although I am happy for her, I am slightly jealous. She isn't thinner then me or anything, but just that willpower. Something I used to have when I was in year 8, 9. The ability to control everything I ate.
Was speaking to Ellis earlier about the pressure this year. If I fall back into depression, again, I am essentially fucked. All the friendships I had made, gone. My grades, gone. 6 months was my time period and that was it. I got much better, sure, but not recovered.
I want University. I want City University. I want my grades. And slipping back, means none of that, ever.
It's becoming a consistant war at the moment between the rational and irrational parts of my brain.

Today, I am really unsure of what side is actually winning.

I really need to do more with myself sometimes...

And not just sit around and contemplate and leave myself to overthink things.
It then gets me into this little state that I am currently in.

I need AAB for University. When and how on earth did I think I would ever get that? What twat inside my head told me that City University was a good idea?
I need to literally work my butt off.
But anorexia is creeping up.
My mother is being so triggering at the moment, and my weight gain is hideous.
And I am not ready to start coming off this Prozac yet.

I can tell already that this blog is not going to be coherant whatsoever.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

New video...psychology, leaving teachers, and university thoughts..

This week, in our WeRFreEDomFighters collab, we discuss the idea of alternate therapies, and how ones in particular have assisted us with our recovery from our eating disorders and other mental health issues.
I specifically talk about the use of writing, and introduce the concept of the Wreck this Journal I used in a blog post a little while ago.


Okay, so the past few days have conjured up some interesting ideas and thoughts for me.
Ideas and feelings about coursework, especially. A lot of coursework in year 13 is very autonomous, a lot of decision making is left to the individual, and so we get essentially in English Literature and Media Studies to pick and choose our novels and topics we wish to write our coursework on.
I am aiming to examine the prospect of mental health/psychology in both subjects.
This year is going to be interesting for me in that respect, an avid learner, who gets to incorporate all of her passions and subjects into one. I wish to investigate how psychological disorders are represented in the tv and film industry, as well as comparing and contrasting the way authors present the issue of mental health in two different novels. Last year I studied 'Enduring Love', by Ian McEwan (amazing if you fancy a pretty freaky and odd read) and 'The Collector' by John Fowles (another amazing read) - and I may change one or both of my novels this year to adapt to the question once more.
As you can tell from the amount of writing I have already produced on this, I can't wait to get stuck in.
Such a geek.

Today was difficult.
Psychology hit something close to my heart as we are studying Eating Disorders, and we are focusing on anorexia as our main case study.
Just the way some people perceive the illness shocks me sometimes. Some comments were very not well thought out, in my opinion. Nobody has said anything very horrific yet so as to shock me silly, but you do realise through these lessons how much people must be educated about the damage and severity of these disorders.
My teacher presented me with an article to read in class 'I am now married to anorexia...' - I started to read it, and just couldn't bear to complete. Too much pain to relate to to read over that again.

I am also having severe complications over my University choices, again.
I am now really set on studying Psychology and English Literature at University, and the fact that there are no decent universities (in London) that provide this course are literally killing me.
Both subjects are my passions, and both subjects mean the world to me.
I have accepted a place at City University to study just Psychology next year, providing I achieve the grades AAB. Which seems pretty unrealistic in my eyes anyway.
But the idea of spending my life achieving only the top grades in English Literature and having the biggest passion for it, only to just throw it away as soon as I hit University really saddens me. I don't want to do it.
I really have no idea what to do, and know I will regret not studying Literature, yet I need my Psychology in my life. And I can't move out.
I have a boyfriend, commitments, other priorities.
I can't just randomly pack up and move to Bath Spa like that.
It isn't fair.

You know what else isn't fair? The amount of amazing teachers leaving my school this term.
I wanted to cry when Ms Hoyle kept talking about it today. She has been such a constant support, throughout everything, she puts a smile on my face and she was my inspiration to recover from depression.
She helped me achieve 100% in my English Literature AS exam.
And she is moving to Vietnam at the end of this academic year (next month) - to teach English and Drama.
Both my Media Studies teachers are also leaving, one of whom has been teaching me Media since year 10, and who is one of the most amazing teachers I have ever come across. And the other, very similar to Ms Hoyle in her amazing personality and consistant support.
I have no idea how I am going to keep myself strong without that support anymore.
I feel very sure I am going to fail next year without them.

One last thing,
I was called into the Head of Years office yesterday, to discuss how I was getting on -
He suggested the idea of me seeing the Sixth Form counseller, especially now I am soon to be off Prozac and removed from therapy, coinciding with going back to school all at once.
I told him that he should, only if that is what he wants me to do and if he thinks it's best for me. And supposedly it is, so I have a meeting with him at some point in the near future.

I want rid of counsellers, therapists, psychiatrists, doctors. I want to go a week without sitting at Thorpe Coombe hospital. I want to go for a whole year without seeing one person based upon my mental health.
But recovery from mental health isn't as simple.
I know that.

I need support at this school. And as much as I keep trying to tell myself that I want to be out of therapy and support, it isn't true. I really do need it, and yes, I know I am weak. But at the moment, with all these teachers and methods of support leaving, I will truly fall flat on my face once more and back into the spiral without some form of professional support.
And that is something that as much as I hate to admit, I have to.

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Settling in...

Okay, so I have a confession to make.
Last night and yesterday in general caused so much stress for me. On top of that I had had a huge argument with a girl who was previously my friend, stating since I was recovered (which clearly I am not) she felt she couldn't connect with me as much anymore, and saying we shouldn't be friends.
I don't know what it was that was the main trigger, but I relapsed into self-injury last night.
And being cut-free for about 7 months had been an amazing improvement. So I was somewhat dissappointed at my actions last night.

I completly was upset with myself today, as I had such a good day in comparison to yesterday.
Made new friends, introduced myself to new people, kept the beaming smile on my face and was myself.
And I felt happy to be at school, to be learning.
I haven't felt like that in years, and it was such a different feeling and emotion in comparison to yesterday.

I got the guts to approach Mrs Smith which helped a lot too.
And she was a lot more calmer with me, saying I should come and see her to talk about how things were going and that she had forgiven me for everything that has happened.
I knew I wasn't going to give up on her.

Lessons went well, people were overall lovely, and I have received some wonderful compliments from teachers saying how much happier and well I look. It's an awesome feeling to know that 6 months of continuous strain have actually got me somewhere.
Yes, so I had my little relapse yesterday. Actually, a relapse isn't the word. A minor set back. Something I, as a recovered person, cannot allow to happen again.

Again, to the wonderful girls I met today and yesterday, you people are amazing!
(Ellis we need a proper conversation soon!)
It's nice to know that there are people who are unjudgemental about your issues.
I have been asked why I took time out from school, but no more questions were asked when I stated I was ill.
Which, as Nathan says, isn't far from the truth. I was mentally ill.
And that caused me to be physically ill as my anorexia got worse and I felt drained, weak, and not strong enough.
I would be honest and open with people, but maybe in time when I get to know them a little better. Sometimes there is no need for people to know things like that. As far as I am concerned now, the past is the past. I want to keep it there and want it to remain that way. Flashbacks will always occur but I have become the strongest person I can ever be from it - depression, strangely, was one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Overall, beautiful day.
*hugs* to all you beautiful followers.

Monday, 13 June 2011

A blur of a day today...

I am quite honestly shattered, to say the least.
Dithered between crying my eyes out all day and laughing until my hearts content.

My emotions are so down the pan right now!

It went okay.
I think my anxiety was triggered mainly. Going from tranquility and quiet for the past 6 months to a sudden influx of noise, new people and overall panic was something I couldn't cope with today.

Lynda informed me at our session this afternoon that I haven't done a full week in school since at least October.
Which I find hard to believe. October was when things started going downhill. When I first was perscribed medication and took a few weeks off from school due to "stress". Coming back to a timetable where I was never in school anyway due to being too depressed.
Then came the overdose, then returning back to school for a few weeks on a part-timetabled basis.
This will be the first proper week I have done in a long time. Scary stuff.

I have met some wonderful people today, and some people I know I need to be cautious of.
I received questions, remarks, and gossip has been spread around by the sounds of things.

I have also seen Mrs Smith in passing.
Those of you who followed me on my other blog and who watch my videos will know who she is.
She didn't even look me in the face once.
Of course, I crushed. I just have no idea what I can do to make her accept what happened.
I was desperate. She just couldn't cope with my desperation. I miss her though. It's not fair.

I know already that classes this year are going to be a lot different. English Literature, a subject of which is my passion, is going to change. I have a teacher who I previously had for English Language AS who I hated.
She made me feel so small, inadequate, and rubbish at everything.
And to be honest, in a subject I know I am good at (100% in my AS exam) - I can't really be dealing with her doing it again this year.
And the people in my class are so different to that of my previous class.
Nice, but different. Not entirely sure what to make of everybody.
But yet, how can I after only a few hours?

I cried in Media Studies.
My teacher wasn't in for the lesson. I felt unsupported and knew essentially nobody, and just needed to break down and let the emotion out. Deal with the fact I was back to normal now. Back to reality.

I will have to update you about all of this.
Lynda (my therapist) doesn't think I am ready to come off my prozac yet after my recent little incident with diet pills. Which, if I am honest, lasted all of three days. But it was still a negative thought, about my weight, thoughts, and overall self-image. When will I give up?

Awesome thing/s of the day:
When people are nice, accepting, and friendly. You don't get much of those people in todays society.

Anyway, a huge thank you to the girls I have met today who have supported me and pulled me up. Looking forward to making friendships with you guys!
And as my mum brings me in a warm cup of tea, I bid you farewell for another night!

Sunday, 12 June 2011

Back to normal tomorrow...

Awesome thing/s of the day:
Waking up from a dream about your favourite actress ever (Keira Knightley)
The feeling of putting depression behind you as you embark on a new journey
When people who you don't even know tweet you saying your strength is an inspiration (and they are going to be in your year group this year!) - I have a good feeling I'm going to love you Ellis!

So, this is it.
Tomorrow I embark on a life away from the depths of my room and restore my education and normality.
And after some wonderful conversations earlier with some friends who I haven't spoken to in a while, I am probably about 70% excited and 30% nervous.

This is a photo of me all the way back in 2008.
The girl to my right is a lovely girl (soon to be in my year group tomorrow) called Louisa.
As weird as it is looking back on these old times, it's great too.
I remember everything I had with this girl - a wonderful friendship.
And I hope we can get this back again in our final year of school together.

I am going to therapy tomorrow as well.
I have an appointment after school - which will actually be one of my last therapy sessions ever.
My therapist and my psychiatrist are leaving CAMHS in the next two months.
I am being removed from taking Prozac.
All of these changes, are happening so fast, it makes me wonder if I can cope with it all again. Will I just slip back? It's taken me such a long time to reach this stage, I can't help wondering if the smallest thing will make me burn down in flames again.

But I have a little bit of confidence in myself this year. Just random twitter conversations today have told me that this year is going to be a good one.
I have an aim, to make some great friends, and to get my grades for University. Nothing can stop that this year.
Not depression, anxiety, or anorexia. I can't let it happen.
I have to let my A grades, and happiness happen.

This blog post is a dedication to those who never stopped believing that I would get better all those months ago.
The ones who held my hand whilst I sobbed with tears, the ones who were never judgemental, the ones who lay beside my hospital side.
Because without you guys, I wouldn't be here right now, positive, full of life, and ready to take on the world again. Thank you everybody.
I start tomorrow afresh, a new person. I can't wait to meet all of you - and I can't wait to spend the next year with you, as a happy person again.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Wreck this journal!


Awesome thing/s of the day:
Receiving four page handwritten letters of encouragement and hope from the most wonderful people (love you Hannah)
Finding out that one your boyfriends old form tutor/and a current year 12 form tutor in my school is moving into your building! Most awesome neighbour ever!
Having fun with my Wreck this Journal - see above video :)

I am attempting to relax this weekend.
Have been feeling very sickly and anxious all day.
It calmed down a little when Nathan arrived, but aside from that the anxiety kicked in.
So I took matters into my own hands and did something to make me feel better. Hence where the 'Wreck this Journal' idea came in.

I first mentioned my Wreck this Journal in 'my Toolbox' video on YouTube - and appear to have inspired many others to also purchase one.
The 'Wreck this Journal' is a method of encouragement to let feelings and emotions out.
The saying goes 'to create is to destroy'
The book is for anybody who has trouble keeping journals to vent out emotion. The idea is to experiment, get creative and just have fun with the ideas presented to you within the book.

'Take this book in the shower with you' - is certainly an inventive way to wreck the journal as far as I was concerned.
These ideas and many more all appear within the book.
It is also for people who are neat freaks (like me) - who can't stand uncleanliness and likes to keep their books all neat and arranged. Not anymore!

Hopefully I will keep getting creative and create something I am going to be proud of.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Why today...and life...is awesome...

Recently I stumbled across a video of a wonderful YouTuber who I watch daily called NerdzRL - who vlogs her life everyday, and has the most amazing attitude and personality towards life. Thanks to her, I was introduced to this:

This book is written by the wonderful Neil Pasricha. After experiencing a lot of hardship in his life, the breakdown of his marriage and his best friends suicide, he went on to produce the following blog, attempting to take his mind off things:
http://1000awesomethings.com

Here, he documents all the small things in life that make us smile everyday, that we take for granted.
The blog became a huge success, and therefore a book was adapted, and there has recently also been a second book.

I admire Neil Pasricha.
He kept his head high, way above water when life appeared to be failing him.
I think we can all take something from this man. A snippet of inspiration. To keep our heads high.
We take the smallest things for granted everyday, and we never realise it.
So here in this blog, I am going to document awesome things about my day too. No matter how small or insignificant they are. Something that is going to make me smile and make me feel better about my day, even when I feel life is being the biggest pain in the backside.
I urge you all to buy 'The Book of Awesome' and check out the blog also. It is, in fact, awesome.

Changing the subject slightly, I have received my first piece of work for the new term via email.
Okay, not exactly, although I have been told what my work entails when I return.
I have to make a project about Eating Disorders, and the media, for Psychology - which involves a 10 minute presentation with a group.
Which, I think in ways - maybe last year, if I had been asked to do this topic, I would have freaked out.
But now, I am ready to educate, voice my views and teach people something.

If anybody does have any opinions of Eating Disorders and the Media, and how the Media (if at all) affect Eating Disorders, please write your comments below. I would be really interested to see what you guys think.

Awesome thing/s of the day:
Catching up with old friends for coffee who you haven't seen in so long! (yes Sana I mean you)
Sitting inside whilst it is bucketing down with rain outside and hearing the rain patting against your window.
Knowing that there are people in your life who are genuinly honest, nice people, who care.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

2 years

Let me introduce you to the most amazing person in my life today:

The boy on the right - my current boyfriend, Nathan.
Many of you will have heard me mention him before, maybe in my videos, blogs, or even just in passing.
But there is a reason to mention him so often.
He has changed my life.

Tomorrow, we will have been together for 2 years. 2 precious years, full of lifes ups and downs and challenges and obstacles that we have had to overcome together.
Most of them have been to do with me - my illness, and my deterioration into depression last year.
And he never moved from my side once.
I pushed him away while I was ill. I told him he didn't need me. I told him he was better off without me.
And he didn't even stir.
And for that, I thank him and appreciate him more then any human being on the planet.
So many people would have walked away at the first signs of madness.
Not him.

I respect him so much. For everything that he is, his kindness, honesty and commitment to our relationship.
I love the security he provides me - his arms are a safe haven, a shelter, a protective layer from all the harm that lies in the world. He eliminates my anxiety.
I admire the fact he is a police officer in East London. A job which isn't easy. In a place, which lets face it has probably one of the highest crime rates in the UK. And of course, I worry.
I lay awake worrying, about where he could be, who he could be arresting, what certain criminals he has to deal with.
But at the same time I feel nothing but admiration and pride.

He is inspiring to all. He represents everything a young man should be.
I consistantly have to prove to other women that men are not always the same. The same liers, cheaters and idiots that they are constantly made out to be. And why?
Because I have found one who isn't like that.

He liked me, before I even knew who he was. He knew he was going to get me, no matter what it took.
His determination, in that respect, I even admire.
We are members of each others families.
And of course who could forget all the little private jokes we have, that nobody could understand.
We do everything together - and we support each other through the hard times.

And after 2 years, I can say I love him and respect him more then ever before.
Thank you, Nathan. I love you :)

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

The voice, the fresh start, the new beginning

I have been an active writer from a very young age. Sure, I can't exactly recall that my spelling was entirely perfected and pronounced at the age of 11 years old, but writing was how I vented my emotions out back then. After at least 3 written blogs already, I am back, and with a vengeance.

I don't have a sob story, but I do have A story. I have experienced the burden and strains that mental health can ultimately place on ones life. Things, have been difficult. But I made the decision, for the first time in my whole 18 years of being alive, to be selfish. No doubt the best decision I have ever made.

Since December 2010 I have been embarking on a painful and enduring recovery process from depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I have spent the past 6 months absent from education, something that I felt devoted towards with a passion, to concentrate on the recovery process. And here, today, I can safely say that I am almost there. The last hurdle has almost been jumped. I am almost free of the burden. My eating and anxiety still need to be improved upon, I am not going to deny that...but I have made a huge progress in that respect also.

On Monday the 13th of June, I will be returning to education, to begin the last year of my A-levels once again. I pray to God that I don't fall back this time. Actually, hell, I WON'T fall back this time. I am better then mental health.

My name is Amy-Louise, and I chose life.