Friday, 30 September 2011

So much has happened over the past few weeks. Celebrating my birthday has occupied a huge amount of my time, as well as seriously stressing over Sixth Form and relapsing into depression.

Confiding in teachers about my issues, clearly got me nowhere, as because of this my Mum supposedly knows about my recent self-injuring - although hasn't confronted me about it, even after a week of knowing. Visited the doctors today, who gave me a card they wanted me to call in regard to getting more help for me, seeing a counseller outside of the NHS. Hopefully I am going to give this number a call on Monday, as it is mostly a self-referral process.

I haven't been self-harming as much recently, due to my birthday, and being away from home an awful lot, have stayed at Nathans for the third night in a row now. But the urges are still there, and there are a wide variety of triggers surrounding me. I look at three protruding scars right now, look how everything else besides those are healing, yet part of me feels compelled to add to that. It's a terrible thing to say, but I actually am rather looking forward to the cold weather, giving me a chance to perhaps use my arms as a self-harming spot and finding somewhere new to harm myself, with being able to cover it up in the process.

It's very difficult to explain a 'trigger' - I find. The doctor asked me that today and I looked at him blankly, stating I didn't know. But I actually genuinly didn't know how to describe what causes it. Realistically, I have everything going for me, it seems. But nothing seems good enough for me, and in my eyes, it never will be good enough. Someone, somewhere, is always going to put me down, I am always going to fail at some parts of my life, and people are going to enter and leave my life and let me down, my methods of dealing with that however, need to be addressed and sorted.
I feel like I need a reason for my illness. And that only sends me down spiralling more when I realise I don't have one. I just hate myself. And that is my only reason.
The future seems so bleak and distant with this illness. I can't imagine myself sitting in a university lecture hall, being taught English Literature. I can't imagine a career, a life, without this dragging me consistantly back down. In fact, I can't imagine life that far ahead, let alone with or without the illness.
And I just say to myself, 'well why bother then?' - contemplate taking overdoses, self harming and all of that sort. One day I am so scared that I won't be able to stop myself. Or am I scared?
I can't bring myself to concentrate on other aspects of my life that I know are too painful. My family, for one. Relationships. I keep working, working and working. Because that, and sleeping, are the only thing getting me through.

I love you all, and I hope you are well.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

*trigger warning*

Okay, so the past few weeks or so I have been self-harming everyday, or every other day.
And it's worrying me. At least I am recognising that something is wrong, and that I need to get help

It's becoming an addiction, and has been becoming addicting in the past few weeks. I spent all day focusing on my persona, when all I wanted to do was delve into my shadow.

I am meeting with one of the only people I can be honest with on Friday - and I am going to try my hardest to be honest with her, tell her about the self harm, and just try and let it all out.

I saw a woman yesterday, the new school learning mentor, the woman who is replacing the old learning mentor I saw before the end of term.
And I didn't like her.
Yes, say that I am quick to judge, but I felt patronised almost. I tried to explain depression to her and it was like communicating with a brick wall, she was saying how 'everyone goes through it' and those kinds of things. No, this is a diagnosed illness which I am on medication for, please do not try and make me sound as if I am overreacting about nothing.
Even my head of year didn't sound particularly nice about it when I spoke to him, how I should perservere with her, as she is used to dealing with the lower school and probably doesn't have much experience dealing with more serious issues to do with older students. So why put her with me then? Because sometimes you need a rocket scientist to figure out my mind.

I am 19 next week.
Of course the prospect of a birthday is exciting, and although I know I am getting one year older, I still feel stuck. The fact I have to reapply for university is not helping, knowing in my heart of hearts that literature is my dream and yet still going with Psychology is making me feel low. I used to feel ahead of the people in my current year group but now they are ahead of me.

I really want to get cracking on all my coursework. I can feel it all building up already. My feminist critique coursework, my comparative coursework and my media coursework. Too many things to think about, and I have only been back for days.
I keep telling myself that I can get through it all by self-harming, releasing that inner pain every so often.
But with the way I am going, I can see myself going too far one day, and then there definatly will be no going forward.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

I need some advice!

Okay, so after successfully fucking up everything regarding university, I now have to reapply.

I received an email a few days ago from UCAS track stating that something had changed on my application - when I went to go and check, my insurance conditional offer to Westminster University had been rejected. After ringing Westminster, UCAS, and then City, it turns out that because I didn't achieve the grades this year - my places were to be declined. I hadn't been told this from UCAS that my grades were to be met THIS year - and was upset because I had wrote to the universities to tell them the issue with my depression/anorexia etc and they deferred my entry to 2012. I assumed they would know I wasn't going to be taking the exams this year! So now, I have to reapply.

Anyway, after a lot of tears I came to a conclusion that since I had been having second thoughts about my choice anyway it was okay. Everything happens for a reason I guess! I'd been debating about whether to study English Literature instead anyway - but I love them both and just simply cannot decide between the two. I narrowed my choices down to 5 possible avenues I can take - I just need your advice on what you think would be the best idea for me?

1) To study Psychology with English Literature at the University of East London. Now I love these two subjects equally and can't choose between them, hence why I am desperate to study them both. However, the only university in London offering this course is UEL, which doesn't have very good ratings and is not very good quite frankly as far as I am aware. Plus I think they would require low grades from me - I am predicted A*/A/B I think. The only other way I can study a joint honours in Psychology and English Literature is to move out, which I can't do on account of money and Nathan. If I could I would go to Bath Spa as they offer the course, (plus I love Bath) but it's just not possible.

2) To study Psychology with counselling skills/theory - at a university in London - so the psychology course is a bit more narrowed down more to what I want to do. I firstly wanted as a career to embark into the mental health profession - but am still not sure it's right for me regarding how I am right now!

3) To study English Literature - obviously you know that I love English Literature - and would consider it as more of a passion then Psychology as far as my childhood is concerned. I am just worried regarding English Literature of job prospects, I would be choosing English Literature as something I love rather then considering it as a career - I wouldn't know my career prospects regarding taking it for university. My best friend Jade as I have mentioned previously studies English Literature at Warwick (she is crazy about literature, as am I) and loves it and is trying to help me decide - but I am still stuck.

4) To stick with my original choice of choosing City University as my firm and Westminster as my insurance, to study Psychology - I will need AAB for City and ABB for Westminster. I loved City during the open day - hence my firm choice, however AAB seems a tiny bit out of my depths considering I could possibly relapse, and all possible other factors that could enable me to fail, basically.

5) Or to just study Psychology on its own at whatever university in London.
I have no idea what to do with my life at all right now! Making decisions regarding your future is so hard - especially as the time off from Sixth Form allowed me to reimburse passions in my life I never thought I ever had making this decision even tougher!
What do you guys think?