Tuesday, 6 December 2011

After three months of neglect, I have returned to my blog, and unfortunately, not much has changed.
To sum up, I am still self-harming, had to take time out of school for overdosing again, putting on weight and binging ever so much, however I am seeing a private counseller which things are going well with.

I am shaking tonight. I feel numb, in limbo. Last night, I cut my thigh quite deeply, and what makes me laugh is the pain I currently feel in my leg I feel like I deserve, like this should be natural, I should feel pain when I lie on my right hand side.
One of the things I have a real talent for is placing on a mask. I don't pretend to like my friends, I love them, but I pretend to be 100% content with my life and everything around it. I pretend to stay strong, so I can use my strength to help and support others. Imagine a bridge, over a river. It's wooden. Rapid deterioration causes that wood to disintegrate right, and chip away into the river? Well, I am those tiny specks of wood. And I am afraid that pretty soon there won't be anything left of me.

I have mock exams this week and my perfectionist standards are rising. I have to sit my exams separatly due to anxiety and to be honest, I don't even think that is going to help. I think I will still fuck up.
I will fuck up. I don't want to get through university, I don't. I don't know what I want anymore and it's killing me.