I feel rather plagued and overthrown by stress at the moment, and it's only now I am realising that the stress of everything is what is impacting on my physical health.
Consistent nausea. Stomach cramps. Loss of breath. Headaches.
It all adds up.
Various tests I have had done, and I have an ultra-sound scan coming up.
I feel dreadful, all the time, which impacts on the mental side of things.
Have been put on lots of medication for it all, and nothing.
When I go to kiss Nathan I have to draw back because I can't breathe properly and I panic.
The exams are slowly approaching.
I have a lot of people in my life right now that I severely care about and am worried for - one is in hospital in Ealing and another is way too far away for me to even attempt to help.
Energy levels are dropping.
My motivation is dropping.
I saw Sarah in Sainsbury's a few days ago.
I wasn't sure whether she saw me or not but if she did, she avoided me.
It was so bizarre, she has only been gone from my life for a month or so and although I am coping relatively well without therapy, that doesn't mean I don't need it still.
I know logically, she would never have helped me if she was never giving me feedback from the sessions.
But still. Another counsellor lost.
I tried one last time to apologise to Mrs Smith. And she still doesn't want to speak with me.
It destroys me inside but there is nothing left to do.
I don't want to sit through school these next few weeks, I just want to go on study leave now, I am ready to leave, am ready to escape.