Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Anorexia, and weight gain? *trigger warning*

So, a comment mentioned on the weekend just passing has affected me to a massive degree.
It was my Mum's birthday on Friday and to celebrate we had a few friends round on Saturday. One of the women has known me since I was about 8/9 and we first moved into the flat, as she used to be our neighbour.

She had the cheek to stop in the middle of her conversation with my Mum, look at me up and down and exclaim; 'you look different, gained a bit of weight?' which was then followed by how good it looked but it was probably because she could see the disdain on my face.
I don't understand, firstly, what gives people the right to say whether you have gained weight or not. If I turned to her and told her that she had gained weight, she would lose the plot at me.
And secondly, this women always moaned on for years about how skinny I was, about how my bones were going to break, and now I've gained a bit of weight she is using it to her advantage. I am not sure if this women knew I had anorexia, but she's pretty thick if she never noticed the whole time.

Of course, I felt tears brimming up in my eyes. For an recovering anorexic, weight gain is one of the biggest fears, and it is certainly one of mine. And I know I've gained weight. I'm not stupid. I can see it, in my face, in my thighs, stomach. And I feel disgusting. But I know in my heart of hearts it is part of recovery and it needs to be done. I know once I have an exercise regime sorted for my Race for Life after my exams things will be a little more balanced and in place, and for now, I don't feel comfortable with my body.
I have made massive steps from my anorexic dark days.
For example, I found this picture of myself the other day, on my 16th birthday. Looking back at those pictures makes me cringe inside. It was almost a year before I met Nathan for the first time and hopefully any person would be able to look at that picture and realise that I was ill. 




Similarly, this picture, and this night in general, looking at the photos overall is so triggering for me. New Years Eve 2008 ^^^
And back in 2008 with my best friend. 


Now of course, when you compare those pictures to ones of me now: (this photo was taken in March)


Then yes, it is obvious that I have gained weight. And it's not pretty and I hate it just as much as the world hates looking at it.
Trying to starve myself nowadays is a massive pain in the butt. My body can't even last until break time in Sixth Form without food anymore. Back in years 9, 10, and 11 I would be going for days without food. My body has shut down on me and isn't being as nice as it used to.
To tell me I've gained weight just sends me straight down the spiral which I know I can't go down. These people don't think I don't hate my body enough as it is. These people don't think I hate myself enough as it is. These people clearly don't understand all the body checking, measuring, weighing, body dysmorphia that comes with suffering from an eating disorder. So thanks, to the lovely 'friend' who made that comment.

I sacrificed years of my life for my looks and then get criticised for trying to be healthy?!
I can't win whatever I do.

That thought has been applicable to much of my life today. Whatever I do with friends, Sixth Form, work, I can't win. Nothing I do appears to please anyone. And I am so much of a people pleaser that I try and try and try.
I am so worn out and stressed from all of this and I feel so lethargic and knackered. Working so hard and it appears to be getting nowhere. And then past comments let you down and you're back to square one again.


2 comments:

  1. I have to disagree here..
    The dark days ARE evidently still present because you consider yourself fat, that you need an "exercise regime" to feel worthy, that you are envious of your past (and I must say continuous) low body weight...
    The fact you think the world wants to see you thinner.
    The fact you have this need to be thin, but you hate yourself all the while.

    If you were not consumed and in a recovery mindset, you would not talk of yourself as you did above.

    You are still very sick, and whether you like it or not, still very very much in the grips of Anorexia.

    <3 Very sad. Denial is a killer <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. And to me you look no different!!

    ReplyDelete