Instead of coming home from a typical Wednesday pub evening and revising, I am writing a blog. Sets my priorities straight, I think.
Things have been so rough right now and the only way available to express, is through words.
I hate writing about how I am been struggling because it just seems so repetitive. Oh look, Amy is struggling again. Same old same old. Can't she just get over herself and move on?
If you have that attitude towards me then just unfollow my blog, because you are not going to like what's coming.
Last week I was struck down by a really nasty virus which caused me to be in Sixth Form 1.5 out of the 5 days I was supposed to be in that week. Lethargy, nausea, coughs, colds, fatigue, headaches, and stomach pains. I had it all. And although being ill is a natural part of human life - I know most of it was brought on by stress and my body just wanting to shut down.
Stress is a word which is so applicable to my life right now - yet with me stress leads to depression. And I can feel it returning. Slowly. And having no-one there to talk to is fucking difficult.
On a typical Wednesday night I would have been at Sarah's (my old counsellor) - and I would have been able to openly vent about it all.
And now, my depression venting is limited - and there is no other person I can express it to properly. Which causes it all to build up inside and fester...
I had a small panic attack in a mock exam on Tuesday. It wasn't even important. Just a little way to practice writing answers for section B of my upcoming Literature exam.
I just went blank and tears were building in my eyes. I couldn't control the physical butterflies and sweating and shaking and I don't even know where it came from but I knew I needed to get out of the situation. So I did.
What use did it do? None whatsoever. I still have to face all seven of these exams, one of which starts next Tuesday. Running away from it isn't going to help.
But boy does it seem a lot easier sometimes. I sound terrible but if I am struggling now, I don't know if I can live the rest of my life dealing with more and more challenges which I clearly can't cope with.
As someone in recovery from depression and who is supposed to be improving, does still saying that I wouldn't want to be alive if it wasn't for Nathan improving?
There is so much I should be wanting to live for - but I just crave Nathan and his love and that's all I need. I am fed up of taking any other shit. Life just seems too hard and I am not prepared to fight it. Everytime I fight I get knocked back. Again, and again, and again.
I need a person to say this all to face-to-face. I have a couple of people in mind, both teachers with their own lives who don't need to be worrying about mine - three weeks before I leave the school for good.
I am so, so, scared. And putting the face on is even scarier because one day I fear I will just lose control.