Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Official diagnosis :(

So the Impart team kept fussing over when I was going to see them to collect my results from my personality disorder assessment, knowing full well my anxiety levels will be raising the roof as well as I am in the midst of exam season. I then contacted the woman who did the assessment, asking her to just send the results to me by post, and I received them today.

I guess you could say that I was shocked at some of the diagnosis's I had been given.
Depression (although they defined it as a depressive episode in 2010 which is bullshit), GAD and Anorexia Nervosa are words have terms that have dominated my life since I was at least 11 or 12 years old. 
I wasn't really sure what I was expecting the Impart team to find and diagnose me with, but apparently, following three assessments, this is what they appeared to have finalised as appropriate for me. 

I guess their reasoning behind why they diagnosed me with BPD was acceptable. Frequent fluctuation of moods, from sad, to happy, to angry all in one day. The self-harming and my apparent inability to sustain relationships and friendships.
But I guess I am just frustrated at having another label added to my name and having more words and terminology thrown at me which makes me appear even more mental then I already think I am. And I got pretty upset about the whole thing. I clearly was kidding myself when I said I was improving and making a fuller recovery, as the current behaviours I perceive even now are clearly not normal.
I also felt they were being way too overdramatic about the OCD diagnosis.

From this it just gives me another excuse to look at myself in a negative way and to define myself by my illnesses again. And adds further confusion to who I am and what I am ever here for and what I stand for.

I have lost all motivation and lack of it for revision today, am going to try and rest a little tonight and hopefully wake up tomorrow with a fresh set of eyes and ears and seeing the world in a new perspective. Today has been a bad day, but tomorrow will be better. I can't let these labels define me even though I so desperately want to, I want to crawl back into my comfort blanket and hope everything goes away. But I can't. That's part of recovery, picking ourselves back up where we feel failed, or lost, and demonstrating that life can progress and move on and succeed.

I have been speaking to some wonderful people today whilst I attempt to come to terms with these labels and definitions, and they have really helped and been fantastic support, and you guys know who you are. 
Thank you.


  1. These labels do NOT define you, darling. They are illnesses, like any other. Just because they are illnesses of the *brain* doesn't make you any less worthy of respect and dignity than someone with cancer or another disease.

    You have come a long way, and I know that you will get through all of this. Keep fighting, I believe in you. ♥

    -Jacki (@StarrLitLove)

  2. The point of diagnosis is not to label or define you - its to help identify the best way of managing/ treating you.

    Also recognise, that within the diagnosis there are a whole range of symptoms/ presentations/ difficulties/ degree's of severity, eg two people can both be diagnosed with anorexia but have completely different experiences of the illness. At it's most basic, look at is 'doctor talk'. It's a way of communicating quickly and efficiently with each other, signposting those working with you to your main difficulties; it does not, in any way, define you as a person. It details ONE aspect of you.

    I know its hard to recieve that letter but it is neither a criticism of you nor a description. Try not to dwell on it too much. Outside of a doctors office it is meaningless, you are the same person that you were yesterday!

    Good luck with the rest of your exams x

  3. *look at IT AS 'doctor talk' * !

  4. You are anything but a definition or label. Just because you have been given a piece of paper saying you have those things, doesn't mean you are any less worthy and it should not control or ruin your life.
    Ok, so what if you do have those things? doesn't it make you even more of an amazing person. You are doing a-levels just like the rest of the year 13's out there AND coping. It takes someone extraordinary to do that.. others can only imagine. Most would fall apart but not you. You have already done some exams, don't let this spoil your future.
    You haven't changed overnight, you are still the gorgeous and intelligent woman that you were yesterday :o)
    Just forget about that, and focus on revision, sweetheart - I've found it's the best distraction and ultimate satisfaction knowing that I'm not letting a mental illness beat me. I know you can do the same, if not much more

  5. Hi, like the others have said, labels do not define us, of course this must have been difficult to read today especially in the middle of exams, but you are beautiful inside and out and so much more than any label.
    I hope that you can get that rest tonight & that tomorrow will seem brighter.It's very understandable to feel those things today,but it is another bump in the road and I guess part of recovery..tomorrow is a new day.
    I believe in you.Love and hugs Helen xxx

  6. You are FAR from alone in that collection of diagnoses.
    I have been diagnosed with Axis 1 and 11 also.
    I hope the fact you can see the Anorexia there can ease the noise in your head that says otherwise.
    As for the BPD...
    It is a cluster diagnosis.
    If you have multiple means oc destructive coping mechanisms, mood fluctuations and interpersonal difficulties along with impulsive behaviours.
    The BPD may also come from the fact that you have been ill for a long period of time, thus attaching it to your personality (and Axis 11)
    As someone who has been there, take what you can from it that helps (I am specifically thinking of the Anorexia) and try to deal with the behaviours you do have.
    Being in denial of the ED and such is a part of the diagnosis (BPD) because it is hard to know what we are, who we are, where we fit.
    So we sit among a group of diagnoses that try to box us, when none of us can be boxed <3
    You have to focus on YOU not what the boxes are saying.
    It is the only way I have recovered.
    What I will say is that most people with Anorexia, are diagnosed BPD.
    BUT that once the Anorexia is in remission most of the "borderline" traits diminish massively.
    The same for the OCD issues (though OCD is often a precursor to Anorexia)


  7. Hey, I've just started reading your blog and can identify so much.
    I also feel sometimes that my illness defines me, I have anorexia/bulimia and am also a recovering heroin addict.
    Sometimes I wonder if all these labels were taken away what would be left? Me I guess. I think I also have a form of OCD and anxiety.
    I'm sorry you're having a tough day, sending you a big hug xxx