I guess you could say that I was shocked at some of the diagnosis's I had been given.
Depression (although they defined it as a depressive episode in 2010 which is bullshit), GAD and Anorexia Nervosa are words have terms that have dominated my life since I was at least 11 or 12 years old.
I wasn't really sure what I was expecting the Impart team to find and diagnose me with, but apparently, following three assessments, this is what they appeared to have finalised as appropriate for me.
I guess their reasoning behind why they diagnosed me with BPD was acceptable. Frequent fluctuation of moods, from sad, to happy, to angry all in one day. The self-harming and my apparent inability to sustain relationships and friendships.
But I guess I am just frustrated at having another label added to my name and having more words and terminology thrown at me which makes me appear even more mental then I already think I am. And I got pretty upset about the whole thing. I clearly was kidding myself when I said I was improving and making a fuller recovery, as the current behaviours I perceive even now are clearly not normal.
I also felt they were being way too overdramatic about the OCD diagnosis.
From this it just gives me another excuse to look at myself in a negative way and to define myself by my illnesses again. And adds further confusion to who I am and what I am ever here for and what I stand for.
I have lost all motivation and lack of it for revision today, am going to try and rest a little tonight and hopefully wake up tomorrow with a fresh set of eyes and ears and seeing the world in a new perspective. Today has been a bad day, but tomorrow will be better. I can't let these labels define me even though I so desperately want to, I want to crawl back into my comfort blanket and hope everything goes away. But I can't. That's part of recovery, picking ourselves back up where we feel failed, or lost, and demonstrating that life can progress and move on and succeed.
I have been speaking to some wonderful people today whilst I attempt to come to terms with these labels and definitions, and they have really helped and been fantastic support, and you guys know who you are.