Thursday, 14 June 2012

Relapse?

Small relapses are what we need sometimes to push us forward into recovery.I think I am realising that after what has been a day of relapsing behaviours.

Everything going on this week became way too much, exams (which I know nothing for), a few physical health problems going on which I have to return to hospital to get checked out, the diagnosis yesterday, and weighing myself this morning and seeing that I had gained a monstrous 10lb.
It almost was ironic, having a form telling you you are anorexic in the post (which I knew) and then gaining so much weight you don't even know what to do with it all.

So I, once more, took to overdosing, as a way to cope.
And the funny part was, I stopped myself. Very strong, paracetamol, medication, some of the tablets were those that were mixed with other ones, and I only took 8, because the more I kept taking them, the more I realised I was wrong.
I stopped myself, thinking, hoping, nothing would happen. And I never thought it would.
Of course, thinking that, my day followed with vomiting, nausea, headaches, dizzyness, dry mouth, and all the usual overdosing symptoms I usually would have gotten from taking much more of different medication.

So, that's been my day today.
A small relapse and paying the price for it.

I don't really know how to think or what to feel.
Have woken up today still feeling pretty low and hoping I can go into school in a little while to try and get rid of these feelings, somewhere.
I really don't need this so close to exams, but by being honest with you guys and telling you this, I hope it emphasises how recovery isn't easy. But at the same time, I am trying to hold my head as high as it will go and tell myself, I have picked myself up before, and I can do it again.

2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you felt the need to take an overdose. Weight gain is such a difficult but necessary part of recovery and it's something I struggle with greatly. I don't weigh anymore and am only weighed once a week by my therapist.
    I'm glad you came to and realised what you were doing. Stay strong xxx

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  2. I'm new to your blog and just wanted to say hi! :-)
    I'm sorry you're struggling right now...
    Please take care of yourself, you can beat this! <3

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