Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Reverting back to old habits? - POTENTIAL TRIGGER

Warning: This post is potentially triggering. You have been warned.

Don't worry, I haven't suddenly gone on a massive turn downwards.

My eating habits have been somewhat bizarre over the past month. Have lost a significant amount of weight, although not a massive amount, and feel sick constantly, which inhibits my eating. And of course, working in retail, whatever you eat on your lunch break and before your shift is quickly worked off running around the store after customers and up and down stairs in the stockroom.

I hate admitting it, but because it's my blog I must, that watching the weight go down is somewhat satisfying. I had planned to embark on a new regime in regard to swimming to take my mind off the stresses and strains of work for a while, and will hopefully make me a little fitter. I don't want to be anorexic again, of course, but I am still not satisfied with my body, at all. I don't know. My mind is all over the place.

Finally got the guts to speak to both my assistant manager and my actual manager about my past issues yesterday. One of the scariest things I have ever done, especially in a new job where all you want to do is be a people pleaser and say yes to everything, but it was getting to the stage where working too much overtime was making my mood drastically decline and I had become concerned with my health over the weekend to the point where I felt that something needed to be said. My assistant manager already knew and luckily she is an extremely lovely lady who was very supportive but telling my manager was tough, a lady who is very driven and knows exactly what she wants. She was also supportive though, and we're going to work out my rota properly tomorrow. Working 6 days a week isn't good for me and isn't good for my health. And I feel impressed at myself that I finally identified that.

Unfortunately, I can't say I have been the smiley happy Amy that I have been in recent weeks, and I've taken a small turn in the wrong direction in regard to my mood. But I'm sure, that I'll be back up and running again soon.

After all, this is what life is about, right?

1 comment:

  1. Amy you are so brave and well done on telling your managers about your illness
    I hope they are understanding
    I don't have much experience of anorexia recovery but I do have experience of drug recovery
    I'm sure seeing the numbers on the scale go down was very triggering
    Keep fighting the good fight Amy, you have come too far to turn back now
    I sometimes think of an eating disorder like an abuser
    It grooms you and seduces you with false promises of happiness and then when you are captive it shows you it's true colours and how truly evil it really is
    Don't listen to the whispers of anorexia
    The truth is she wants you dead

    Stay well Amy
    Hope this comment made some sort of sense

    Sending you love and light x