Tuesday, 23 October 2012

On being a University drop-out

So I didn't last very long. A month later and I've come home, a university drop-out.

I'm just as disappointed in myself as no doubt you guys are.

I'm not a typical student, and I should have known that when I left. Being in a long-term relationship meant the distance, if only an hour or two, between Nathan and I was unbearable. I'm not the kind of person who likes to get drunk every night and wake up not remembering what I did the night before. I'm already a year behind, and that's because of suffering from mental health problems. So technically, when you look at it like that, I'm not your average 20 year old (yes, I'm 20 now!)
I met the most wonderful people at University who I will remember. I was unfortunate however to not have some very nice flatmates and it made going and facing making food in the kitchen a nightmare = weight loss/relapsing. Somehow, the lifestyle of university wasn't for me.

I'm not what 20 year olds should be like. And in a way I respect and love that aspect of myself, and in some ways, I detest it, wishing I could be normal.

I came back to work a few weeks ago and weirdly, I love being back. I hated working in the store at Kingston and dreaded going to work, so it was nice to be back in a place which was well organised and for the most part full with nice colleagues who know what they're doing.
And now comes the dreaded aspects of 'what on earth do I do now?!?!'

It sounds very materialistic of me to say, but money and having money means a lot to me. You notice when you don't have money that your mood does drop, and especially regarding mine and Nathans situation, not having it means we can't do the things that we want to do together, and vice versa. And having money back in my life is a nice feeling.

But it means that as and when I return to education, I want to continue working, which is why something like the Open University seems perfect for me in that sense. But again, I'm debilitating that for many reasons of which I won't go into. What course, mostly. And I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and if I'm ready for any of it all. The prospect of a future is scary and quite frankly, with the amount that's fucked up in the past few years I don't even think I have one.

It doesn't help that since I've been back I've isolated myself away from everyone besides Nathan. I'm petrified that everyones secretly judging me, and I know full well that some of my 'friends' are and want to laugh at my expense, and that isn't paranoia. But with some of my friends who I know are not like that, I don't know why I'm being like this. It's becoming increasingly harder to watch my best friends go into their final year of University with jobs and prospective graduate jobs and knowing that my life hasn't started. I have ages to go before I'm anywhere near that stage. And they knew what they wanted to do, whearas I still have no idea. So isolating myself and ignoring every text they send me, seems so much easier than facing that reality.

So as you can imagine, it's all conjured up so many thoughts. Most of which I don't want. This is yet another challenge which I have to try and fight and I just need to get that motivation and drive that forced me to recover and put that into this. It's so hard to fight when you seem to have so many barriers knocking you down.

I have a lot to think about right now, and a lot to process and sort out. My brain doesn't want to do it but realistically I have to, and my God it's hard having only one support system in your life to make that happen. I hope at least you guys are behind me, somewhat.

4 comments:

  1. This is without doubt a difficult period and you will be doing a lot of soul searching.

    Take your time, make the decisions for yourself. You are living nobody's life but your own. Be true to yourself. Don't compare yourself to anybody else, they're not in your shoes and you're not in theirs.

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  2. I had to take a year out in sixth form and go back a year, meaning I was late to uni. I also hated uni and dropped out after first year and if there's one thing I regret, it's not dropping out sooner rather than wasting a whole year doing something which made me really unhappy and missing the deadline for being able to drop out without paying the fees for that year. You've made the right decision to drop out now rather than persevere with something you hate, then be angry with yourself at a later date.
    Also, you shouldn't care what others think. You proved you can go to university and you're obviously clever enough to get a place. You just hated it and there's nothing wrong with that. I found I was with a load of 18 year olds who's just left their mummies and so thought they were hilarious doing the most pathetic shit ever just because there's no authoritative figure to wind them in. They looked like absolute idiots. Retract that, they were absolute idiots.
    A degree can be obtained at anytime by going to uni, doing part-time, Open Uni... whatever. It's just a worthless, meaningless thing these days anyway. Employers seem to prefer people who've worked since they've left school and have real, hands on experience rather than a kid walking in with a new business degree. Also, it doesn't make you different from everybody else because everyone seems to have one. It's as common as wearing a scarf these days.
    Don't fret over it. Just know you've made the right decision and anyone who 'judges' you can go and whistle.

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  3. You tried Amy and that's what counts.
    You have come so far and no one could ever describe you as a failure.

    Take some time for yourself
    Be gentle with yourself and find out what your're really interested in.
    You are still so young and have a bright future ahead of you.

    I am 10 years older that you and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

    Take care x

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  4. this is guna sound really weird but i went to roehampton which is just down the road from kingston my friend went to kingston uni n i visited quite a lot but i couldnt handle my course and too became a uni drop out im 20 also and isolating myself from everyone
    if u ever need to talk im here i know how it feels

    xx

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