So I didn't last very long. A month later and I've come home, a university drop-out.
I'm just as disappointed in myself as no doubt you guys are.
I'm not a typical student, and I should have known that when I left. Being in a long-term relationship meant the distance, if only an hour or two, between Nathan and I was unbearable. I'm not the kind of person who likes to get drunk every night and wake up not remembering what I did the night before. I'm already a year behind, and that's because of suffering from mental health problems. So technically, when you look at it like that, I'm not your average 20 year old (yes, I'm 20 now!)
I met the most wonderful people at University who I will remember. I was unfortunate however to not have some very nice flatmates and it made going and facing making food in the kitchen a nightmare = weight loss/relapsing. Somehow, the lifestyle of university wasn't for me.
I'm not what 20 year olds should be like. And in a way I respect and love that aspect of myself, and in some ways, I detest it, wishing I could be normal.
I came back to work a few weeks ago and weirdly, I love being back. I hated working in the store at Kingston and dreaded going to work, so it was nice to be back in a place which was well organised and for the most part full with nice colleagues who know what they're doing.
And now comes the dreaded aspects of 'what on earth do I do now?!?!'
It sounds very materialistic of me to say, but money and having money means a lot to me. You notice when you don't have money that your mood does drop, and especially regarding mine and Nathans situation, not having it means we can't do the things that we want to do together, and vice versa. And having money back in my life is a nice feeling.
But it means that as and when I return to education, I want to continue working, which is why something like the Open University seems perfect for me in that sense. But again, I'm debilitating that for many reasons of which I won't go into. What course, mostly. And I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and if I'm ready for any of it all. The prospect of a future is scary and quite frankly, with the amount that's fucked up in the past few years I don't even think I have one.
It doesn't help that since I've been back I've isolated myself away from everyone besides Nathan. I'm petrified that everyones secretly judging me, and I know full well that some of my 'friends' are and want to laugh at my expense, and that isn't paranoia. But with some of my friends who I know are not like that, I don't know why I'm being like this. It's becoming increasingly harder to watch my best friends go into their final year of University with jobs and prospective graduate jobs and knowing that my life hasn't started. I have ages to go before I'm anywhere near that stage. And they knew what they wanted to do, whearas I still have no idea. So isolating myself and ignoring every text they send me, seems so much easier than facing that reality.
So as you can imagine, it's all conjured up so many thoughts. Most of which I don't want. This is yet another challenge which I have to try and fight and I just need to get that motivation and drive that forced me to recover and put that into this. It's so hard to fight when you seem to have so many barriers knocking you down.
I have a lot to think about right now, and a lot to process and sort out. My brain doesn't want to do it but realistically I have to, and my God it's hard having only one support system in your life to make that happen. I hope at least you guys are behind me, somewhat.