Monday, 5 November 2012

Reflecting

So my new channel is up and running, with the very first video to be found here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOWNPbiVrI8&feature=plcp

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I guess I've been feeling a little somewhat, deflated over the last few days. Yesterday served as a massive downturn for me. My head felt extremely heavy regarding the prospects of my future (or lack of) and I felt unable to think clearly, leading to a dark cloud of depression which wavered over me throughout the course of that afternoon and into the evening.

It's really been difficult since returning home from university to control these moods as they arise, as luckily for me right now, they only pop up for a day, sometimes two, and then digress. However, I am fully aware that regarding the past few years, November has not been a good month for me, having unfortunately overdosed every year in that month for the past two years. I know it won't happen again and the situation I am in is a much better one than before. But it's a terrifying thought, looking back upon my past and the journey I've had to attempt and face.

I've been feeling incredibly alone since returning home. The people I thought I loved have moved on with their new lives and their new surroundings, and I, once more, feel stuck, like a broken record. I can't just call a friend and ask them to come over for some reassurance because they're not here anymore. They don't want to associate themselves with the past, why would they, when they could focus on the present?

However, during my period of darkness, I did speak to some wonderful people who shone light on my misery. I've met so many fantastic people through my experiences and it's so weird to think that without my mental health problems, I wouldn't even know half the people I do today, which is fascinating. I'd like to thank those people, especially a beautiful lady called Tanya Beetham (http://tanyabeetham.blogspot.co.uk/ - please check her out), for talking me through to find that light. She has a very positive outlook on life and the world around her and I have spent all afternoon reading through her blog and letting that positivity absorb into me. I am a naturally pessimistic person, I get anxious and panicky about everything and can never calm down. But I know full well there is beauty out there and more that I need to be appreciative of. And if there is one thing I'm going to set myself as a goal next year, it's to make the most of every moment and appreciate the small things in my life.

I just need to, as Tanya has said, take one day at a time. Baby steps. Which is difficult as a obsessive organised Virgo whose life is generated into lists and what she is going to do next. But I do know that now there has come a point in my life where I just need to let go, and let life run its course, and ride that rollercoaster. Do what I want to do and not care what anyone else thinks.

And I'm getting there, slowly but surely. This road to recovery is a challenging one, but one of the most fulfilling  than anything else. And I'd really like to thank those who really have been there, have reassured me and spoken to me and lifted my spirits. I feel grateful for every single one of you.

I'm going to leave you guys with a picture from a wedding I attended on Saturday of Nathan's cousin. In this picture I'm with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend, and obviously Nathan. And being with my extended family that night really highlighted that importance of family that I lacked as a child and am so grateful that I am able to have that opportunity now, to experience other peoples new lives and beginnings with them and I hope one day, they will join me to experience mine.

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