Thursday, 25 October 2012

CameraFace, and update

Doing a favour for an old school friend of mine, a lovely girl called Bethany, passionate about photography and journalism as well as I must mention having an awesome taste in fashion, has recently started up a blog which will be documenting her life as she works towards becoming a broadcast journalist. Also on the agenda include posts about photography, media, journalism, and her life as a student at university.

I used to have Media Studies lessons with this lovely lady and she is most definately talented and knows what she's talking about. I know many of my followers on here are into their photography and journalism so I would really appreciate it if you could give her a follow and check out her work at:

http://cameraface93.blogspot.co.uk/

And for old times sake, I've included a little picture of our old media class! I am the bottom right, and Bethany is next to me! Please give her a follow, it would mean a lot!

In other news I have been incredibly busy doing work for YoungMinds, had two meetings in central London yesterday regarding developing a mental health and wellbeing mobile phone app, as well as one about mental health in university, what we can do to change the current situation regarding students who suffer with mental health problems. Have also been writing articles for various websites and am set to take part in a documentary for BBC3!

Since my last blog post things have definately been on the up, have been talking to various people and went for an Open Evening with the Open University tonight which really opened my eyes and given my current situation sounds so much more suited to my needs. Will provide you guys with more information regarding that in due course as I am not making any decisions right now!

Nathan and I are also off to Devon next week for a lovely week away in a gorgeous country house hotel estate, four poster superior room, the works! Given everything that's happened recently it's going to be the perfect getaway and will give me time to spend with the one I love and to just think about everything that's happening!
So until I get back from my holiday, I will love you guys and leave you for now!
For me, make sure you give Bethany a follow!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

On being a University drop-out

So I didn't last very long. A month later and I've come home, a university drop-out.

I'm just as disappointed in myself as no doubt you guys are.

I'm not a typical student, and I should have known that when I left. Being in a long-term relationship meant the distance, if only an hour or two, between Nathan and I was unbearable. I'm not the kind of person who likes to get drunk every night and wake up not remembering what I did the night before. I'm already a year behind, and that's because of suffering from mental health problems. So technically, when you look at it like that, I'm not your average 20 year old (yes, I'm 20 now!)
I met the most wonderful people at University who I will remember. I was unfortunate however to not have some very nice flatmates and it made going and facing making food in the kitchen a nightmare = weight loss/relapsing. Somehow, the lifestyle of university wasn't for me.

I'm not what 20 year olds should be like. And in a way I respect and love that aspect of myself, and in some ways, I detest it, wishing I could be normal.

I came back to work a few weeks ago and weirdly, I love being back. I hated working in the store at Kingston and dreaded going to work, so it was nice to be back in a place which was well organised and for the most part full with nice colleagues who know what they're doing.
And now comes the dreaded aspects of 'what on earth do I do now?!?!'

It sounds very materialistic of me to say, but money and having money means a lot to me. You notice when you don't have money that your mood does drop, and especially regarding mine and Nathans situation, not having it means we can't do the things that we want to do together, and vice versa. And having money back in my life is a nice feeling.

But it means that as and when I return to education, I want to continue working, which is why something like the Open University seems perfect for me in that sense. But again, I'm debilitating that for many reasons of which I won't go into. What course, mostly. And I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and if I'm ready for any of it all. The prospect of a future is scary and quite frankly, with the amount that's fucked up in the past few years I don't even think I have one.

It doesn't help that since I've been back I've isolated myself away from everyone besides Nathan. I'm petrified that everyones secretly judging me, and I know full well that some of my 'friends' are and want to laugh at my expense, and that isn't paranoia. But with some of my friends who I know are not like that, I don't know why I'm being like this. It's becoming increasingly harder to watch my best friends go into their final year of University with jobs and prospective graduate jobs and knowing that my life hasn't started. I have ages to go before I'm anywhere near that stage. And they knew what they wanted to do, whearas I still have no idea. So isolating myself and ignoring every text they send me, seems so much easier than facing that reality.

So as you can imagine, it's all conjured up so many thoughts. Most of which I don't want. This is yet another challenge which I have to try and fight and I just need to get that motivation and drive that forced me to recover and put that into this. It's so hard to fight when you seem to have so many barriers knocking you down.

I have a lot to think about right now, and a lot to process and sort out. My brain doesn't want to do it but realistically I have to, and my God it's hard having only one support system in your life to make that happen. I hope at least you guys are behind me, somewhat.