Have been feeling incredibly run down over the past few days. My headaches and earaches are returning, I've lost a little bit of weight, I'm developing mouth ulcers which are really painful and not allowing me to speak properly or eat, and I'm just generally tired.
I really hate being so pessimistic on the blog as of late - but I guess posting here is all about honesty, right?
I've got an awful lot on my mind and on my plate at the moment and I've really just had enough of it, running away would be the cowards way out but somehow it seems like the easier option. Not that I'm ever sure where I would actually run TO. It's not even running away in a literal sense, just quitting everything and hiding away, where I won't be hurt and affected by everything. Protected and safe in my own bubble.
I know that life isn't like that and I can't be safe but I guess I'm fed up of feeling as worthless as I do. There are so many obstacles that I have overcome in the last few years especially, yet there seem SO many more to work on, and I guess I don't have the energy to fight that anymore.
I've spent such a long time promoting the idea that you must be positive and how recovery is 100% worth it, and it is, but something is always dragging me back alongside it. As soon as I get my hopes up, something crashes me back down to earth again. I want to give up, so badly. In a sense I think I am starting to already. For the first time in a long time, I am asking myself if it really is all worth it.
My Dad has already confronted me about the amount I'm taking on right now. Saying he's worried that I'm not looking after myself. And he's perfectly correct, yet looking after myself doesn't seem to be an option when there's too many other things in my path. And besides Nathan, I literally have no-one to offload these feelings onto, meaning I store them until they manifest into one of these killer headaches I'm having right now!
Nathan is my life and everything I have and without him I would have fallen apart a lot more than I have right now. He keeps me going and reminds me that I should stay on that path, of hope. But boy is it tough.