There has been so much awful news within the media this week, what with the horrific bombings in Boston and the recent explosion of a factory in Texas. So much destruction, lives lost, and horror, it can be easy as a viewer of all of this to be sucked into a pit of anxiety and sadness. I felt the same way watching the news on Boston as I felt 7 years ago, as a Londoner watching my own city get bombed back in 2005. I just felt sick.
Sickness accompanied a questioning of why people would stoop to such lows, to destroy lives in this way. To rip the lives of people who had given their lives to support others. I couldn't comprehend, I didn't understand, and it made me disregard and hate humanity for the remainder that evening. I firmly believed the world was a horrible place, went back to my standard negative ways and went to bed tossing and turning in anxiousness.
Inside, I know that there are aspects of life which I should appreciate and today I took the time to do such a thing. Today made me smile, a lot, I went to celebrate a good friend of mines engagement, whilst having plenty of catch-ups and discussions about university, then went for a positive fuelled session with my counsellor, followed by a 3 mile walk watching the sunset with my Mother. Small things, right? But all of which made me smile.
I live about 5 minutes away from this gorgeous view and never take the time to fully appreciate it. I did tonight and it was truly wonderful. Nathan and I's first ever proper encounter was in this very park almost 4 years ago now, so being there always makes me smile.
Whilst having a long discussion with my good friend Lucy at lunch today, I spoke about I couldn't let anything hold me back anymore. I've spent way too much of my life searching for excuses not to go places, to try new things, to see friends who I love, either because I'm too anxious, feel I don't deserve to treat myself/try new things, and vice versa. I need to stop doing that, and get out and embrace the life that I have.
My anxiety stems over situations where I have a lack of control over, for example, travelling on a bus, if I do not know the person having control over the vehicle it makes me anxious. Having strangers, people I don't know surrounding me makes me anxious, people I can't control. I need to stop this irrationality and have more of the days I had today, going on long walks being appreciative of what is there around me. Say yes to more things. Explore. Grow. And quite simply, just live.
This week, I've managed to get into University, gone on a ridiculously expensive shopping trip with a friend, celebrated my best friends engagement over some wine, read some good books, already raised £100 for my Race for Life, watched the sun set, gone on two long and relaxing walks, spent time with my amazing boyfriend of almost four years, and THOSE are the things I need to focus on. We can only control our future to a certain extent, so I'm going to work on living in the present. I could die tomorrow, for all I know. Why not make today count?