I realise that my last post may have appeared vague for some of you, so I guess I shall use this opportunity to explain.
I have been accepted into University to begin a BA Honours degree in English Literature this September.
It was really hard for me to applaud myself at first. After getting into Kingston University, moving out and after a month moving straight back home again, only to begin a degree with the Open University in Psychology which I hated, you may be wondering, 'why bother'? Clearly nothing was working for me and I should have just given up.
But I didn't, and I guess in that respect, I am proud.
It took me some guts to re-apply, especially as 1) I am turning 21 this September, so am technically three years after the 'expected' age of University applicants and 2) of all the failed attempts I've had before.
As you are aware, I've been seeing a counsellor recently, Heather. She's massively inspired me to reach out for this dream to study English at A university. I've been seeing her for about 2-3 months now and cannot believe how much my life has changed since I've started seeing her.
Studying English Literature has been something that has been ingrained into me since I was a child. I remember being one of the first children in school to learn how to read and write, always excelling at English and analysing texts throughout primary and secondary school. I was always that kid who loved going to the library and picking up 5 books and the next week return demanding more.
I never really realised how much I loved the physical study of English Literature until my A-levels, although achieving an A* at GCSE, I achieved A's throughout my A-levels and 100% in my AS level exam. I loved the discussions and opportunities that I had to discuss works that I never really got to have in the lower school, and I guess studying English Literature at University would also be an opportunity to give something back to the wonderful and inspiring teachers who helped me through the crippling depression I struggled with throughout the three years I was in the Sixth Form.
I don't really understand where I got my love of books from, but even though I have always loved reading, I never really understood how much until I was forced to take 6 months out of education to focus on recovery, and in that time I turned to books, 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath being the first novel that I could truly identify with and helped me to feel less alone in my struggles. My love for books from that moment on was more than just words on a page, they technically, saved my life in a variety of ways and enlightened me.
Throughout the years I've become immersed in the booktube community, subscribing to some wonderful and inspirational YouTubers, most of which are students of Literature. Studying this degree was in my blood and in my soul and Heather allowed me to realise that.
I was prevented by many obstacles along this journey. Something in my gut told me that a degree in Psychology was what I needed to make a life for myself, make a career, due to my history of mental health problems that it was the right decision. The truth is, it never was and yes, Psychology may place my chances of securing a career rather high, but what is to say that English Literature will not? There is too much focus on young people studying the subject that ends in the career rather than studying the subject that ends in happiness. And that's quite sad, really. There is nothing to say that I won't achieve what I want to studying a degree in Literature, at all. It's society that tells me that. If I'm determined, I can do anything.
So I have a lot of planning and hard work to do between now and September. Going to get back into my creative streak again, write poetry, read novels, and take time for myself in between work and counselling sessions. It gives me the chance to work on my anxiety and fears of travelling that have been getting worse recently.
My life will begin afresh in September. I'm sure of it. I'll be 21, and not 18, but it is better late than never and I've learnt so much more about myself in the meantime. If you're thinking about something you want to do and are debating whether or not you should do it - JUST DO IT. Your time is now.