Friday, 19 July 2013

Only being honest...(possible trigger)

I've been debating as to whether to write this post or not.

But I know that my blog is not just about promoting the perfect life of recovery from a mental health problem, with no battles or obstacles thrown in. I'm here to document those twists and turns and be open and honest with you all about what has happened this week. Writing this is not only going to help me get it out in the open, but may help some of you to open up yourselves and get help.

On Monday the 15th of July, I took an overdose.
I was in a desperate, dark place. The depression had overtaken everything, it was one of those days where I saw no future or hope for myself. Everyone who I had tried calling for help were not answering their phones. I'd been overthinking for the majority of the day and struggling recently as it was, the huge drop came out of seemingly nowhere and I acted on impulse. I genuinely thought what I was doing was right, and that it would just take me away from what I was feeling.

I won't go into details about what I took and how much, but I have been suffering for it since.
The next day, I woke up in agonising pain, my body was trying to be sick but it wasn't allowing it to, I had a pounding headache, I had uncontrollable tremors and shakes, disorientation, irregular heartbeat, dizziness and tingling sensations in my arms. Complete with nausea, I was a bit of a mess.
Instead of going to hospital, like I should have done, I went to work that afternoon in 31 degree heat with no windows and air and barely any food. I had comments on how pale I looked but I just couldn't admit what I had done. I instead managed to pull through a shift (somehow) and felt like I could have dropped at any second.

The next day I spoke to a good friend of mine who happened to be attending a meeting with a pharmacist at the time. She spoke to her about my symptoms (as I refused to see a doctor) and she suggested that I have something called Serotonin Syndrome, a drug reaction caused often by poisoning of the body through certain types of drugs. Luckily, I only seemed to struggle mildly with it, anymore severe and I definitely would have been paying more of a price than I was already. But it was most definitely scary and only yesterday did I stop shaking and start trying to stomach food again. Despite my bestest friend coming over on Wednesday night for dinner, I couldn't finish my meal because I felt so nauseous and ended up feeling more sick afterwards and dissociated once more.

I guess I never thought I would land myself in this situation again. And it really has highlighted to me just how serious things are. I tend to brush off my illness and pretend everything is okay, but it isn't.
I haven't exactly worked out how things are going to move forward from here yet. I'm in one of those state of minds where I just want to refuse help and have entirely given up on myself because I have no hope.

I've always stuck by the phrase 'rock bottom became the solid foundation for which I started to rebuild my life'. And I have no idea where I'm going to start yet.
I go through days where I have hope for my future, then it disappears as quickly as the thought arose. I have 20 years of behaviours to unlearn and thinking processes to undo. I don't know how I'm going to do that.

I hope my honesty of this week can help you all to seek some help when you can. I should have been in hospital Monday night, instead I kept my mouth shut and I'm still almost 4 days on wondering whether I still have drugs in my system. Quite honestly, not going to the doctors for fear of judgement shouldn't happen. Stigma, stigma, stigma.

I'm going to move forward from this point. I don't know how but I hope you all are still going to continue with me on this journey.
I can get through this.

6 comments:

  1. You so brve girl ,
    I know your at bottom now and as you said before you did come back from it once, you can do it again, ive been there, I just remind myslf you cant get lower thn the bottom so the only way from the is up, im not going to say I know how u feel as I dont every one is different and I hope you dont think im patronising you in any way, just rember every one you know and trust are there for you, as for seeing a doctor if you cant go maybe ask some one to cwll some one for advice this may settle you in tearms of worry about the drugs in you system, keep you chin up babe, hope u feel better soon x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amy this must have been so hard to write
    You are so very brave and courageous
    I know that dark place only too well
    I've been in and out of a lot lately
    And yes I had considered taking an overdose
    I truly believed that people would be better off without me

    You had some horrible side effects but I am glad that nothing worse happened
    I don't know how you managed to get through a work day but it just goes to show how strong you are

    You are right
    Recovery is not all sunshine and rainbows
    Sometimes we fall We slip
    We crumble
    But I have no doubt that you will come through this

    Thank you for sharing such a personal story
    And thank you for making me think twice about what I was going to do

    Sending you a hug

    Much love x

    ReplyDelete
  3. These "setbacks" if you will, are part of what maes the recovery process exactly that, a process. For example, my biggest fear is relapsing (again). The fact that you persevered, pushed through sought help and told someone. That shows just how far you have come, that you are willing to be BRAVE and STRONG. Amy, keep on keepin' on. I now it seems trivial and impossible at times, but you deserve happiness. You stay brave and beautiful.

    Heath

    ReplyDelete
  4. Amy, there is no shame in admitting you are struggling again - it doesn't mean that you are weak, that you haven't fought hard enough, it is just the nature of the illness. Unfortunately we can't control recovery any more than we can control the illness and as you well know, recovery isn't a linear path. We don't like to admit to things becoming bad again when we are supposed to be recovering, it feels weak, but our strength comes from admitting this very thing as you have done so bravely here. Keep fighting, keep being amazing, because you are AMAZING. Sending love xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Keep fighting the good fight Amy darling. You have a friend in me - you are not alone xxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Have you read The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris? Knowing my values keeps me going and gets me started when I don't know where to start again. It taught me what I value, and how to choose how I act regardless of how I feel. I highly recommend reading it. It's about Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) which I think teaches fantastic skills vital to anyone with an ongoing illness.

    Take care,
    Sara

    ReplyDelete