Sunday, 15 September 2013

Third time lucky?

Tomorrow, the week beginning the 16th of September is a HUGE week for me. A week filled with change and newly aquired adaptions to daily life.

Tomorrow I begin my induction week at University, for I guess what you could essentially suggest as the third time. I'll be studying English Literature, a subject so dear to my heart and one I have held passions for since a young child, learning to read and write earlier than my peers, being that 'Matilda' esque child who used the library as my form of escapism. This together with the more recent events of success in my exams, GCSE's and A-level, combined with my use of Literature as my anti-depressant during the worse periods of the last few years. My English Literature teachers over the years have served as inspirations and motivations to recover from depression, to succeed like they had and to try and recover so I, too, could reimburse my passion for Literature into somebody else. (they know who they are) All in all, Literature feels like the subject I was born to study, my crutch, it makes sense to me, and this time round it means much more to me than ever before.

I know what a lot of people are thinking. They're expecting me to fail again. And quite honestly, I guess I don't blame them. In a sense, I guess at least 60% of me expects me to fail again, too. I'm used to it now. Starting what I can never finish. And I hate to be one of those people who blames everything on their mental health problem BUT a lot of the reason why my previous stints at University and schooling have failed are to do with my mental health and the complexities surrounding that. Don't get me wrong, I hated myself for it too. Never mind the disappointment I received undoubtedly from my parents, my boyfriend, and those closest to me. The moment I took that plunge and moved back out of University was one of the worst feelings of failure I could ever have had. That awful question 'so what are you going to do with your life now?' was asked at least once by most people I knew and it drove me even more into insanity. When the Open University failed to succeed for me too, I'd given up hope. Perhaps I just wasn't destined to go to University and get my degree.

It was my most recent therapist, Heather, who persuaded me to give University one final try. So I applied. Telling nobody. I received my first offer in two days, and I stuck with that offer. It feels right now and I'm even more determined than ever.

I love my education. I love education in general and I'm so passionate about learning. Depression and anxiety have stopped me from learning in the past and I can't afford to let it no longer. That's not to say that these illnesses are not still a part of my life, but most recently I've taken positive steps to try and better my situation in preparation for this degree. I've started some new anti-depressants, I've sought a little more therapy, and I'm going to try and use different treatments such as art therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy in an attempt to free my mind from this plague of insanity. Now more than ever.

It's my 21st birthday on the 21st as well, a huge milestone that many years ago I never thought I would make. September, full of challenges and ways to step out of my comfort zone. And it's going to be SO hard. I'm not saying I'll succeed but my God I need this more than anything right now. I need recovery.
I really wish I knew the answers sometimes. I wish I knew how to wave that magic wand and make these thoughts disappear. But then, I guess there would be nothing to fight for, and what would be the use in that? We all have wings. People like me tend to leave theirs clipped and torn for too long, remaining still and motionless. Stuck, I like to refer to it as. Will I ever learn to fly the nest, spread my wings and explore and discover that feeling of recovery? Who knows. But I'll have a bloody good bash at it. Change, change change. A terrifying word that could bring the world of good. But if I never learn to fly, how can I get over these fears and explore this change? Will I always reach the brick wall, these obstacles of prevention, or will I break down the barriers and conquer?

Time will only tell. I'll fight as much as I can for the best result possible. And that's the best I can do, for now.

2 comments:

  1. You CAN do this. Stay Strong and good luck. You are so passionate about literature - focus on your FUTURE and enjoy learning more about your favourite subject. xx

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  2. I think the fact that you haven't given up is obviously a big testament to your passion for English Literature sometimes some things are just meant to be :) and your therapist sounds pretty amazing!

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