Saturday, 28 December 2013


So it's that time of year again where I reflect back on the year just passed and look to the year about to begin.

Here is the post that I wrote this time last year, ending 2012, reflecting on the year and moving into 2013. It really doesn't seem that long ago but is so strange to look through.

  I'm honest, I hate New Years and the idea of reflecting back on the year really does set me with dread - but I do sometimes find looking back on the year useful as I work out what actually happened and the achievements I made. Here goes...

Top highlights of this year

  • Being present at my boyfriends official 'passing out' parade - as he became a full time Metropolitan Police Officer after having being a Special Constable for three years - proudest girlfriend ever!

  • The Summer Stampede - by far the best gig I've ever been to, at Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park back in July. The hottest day of the year, so much atmosphere and fun, and I got to see heaps of amazing bands, including my top favourite - Mumford and Sons!

  • Beginning my English Literature degree at University and finally reaching the end of first term. Also meeting plenty of amazing classmates who I'm proud to call my friends!

  • BodyGossip #BodyLove flashmob!

  • Turning 21 - and having a huge party with all my friends and family to celebrate!

Other great moments

  • Meeting the beautiful Samantha Betteridge, when she came to London and we shopped until we dropped, saw Matilda the musical - and went crazy at the arcades at 12 midnight!
  • Seeing Matilda the Musical, Wicked (for the third time) and We Will Rock You at the theatre!
  • Running my forth Race for Life and raising £555 for Cancer Research UK!

  • Celebrating birthdays of good friends!
The 21st birthday of my best friend, Becky!

  • Having the privilege to dine at some top quality restaurants and have some very unique dining experiences - Inamo StJames, Restaurant Gordon Ramsey, DansLeNoir, and the Mayfair Hotel!

  • Visiting Shakespeares Globe Theatre for the first time to enjoy a performance of Macbeth!

  • Visiting Ellis in Canterbury and meeting the beautiful Emma Purce - a girl who I've spoken to and known for years! Had the most fantastic and drunken and memorable weekend here!

  • Fun times with friends!

  • Re-connecting with my counsellor who I saw briefly when I was 12 years old and her still remembering me. Without her I wouldn't be at University now so she's served as a huge inspiration towards my recovery this year.

  • Celebrating four and a half wonderful years with my boyfriend Nathan as well as many other amazing times this year!

  • Attending my first ever work Christmas party!
  • Being on TV! Appearing very briefly on a documentary called 'Diaries of a Broken Mind!

  • Achieving over 36,000 blog views!
  • Creating an extremely powerful and moving video for Eating Disorders Awareness Week which had over 5,000 views.

  • Meeting the wonderful and inspiring Natasha Devon and Ruth Rogers - inspiring my recovery from my previous eating disorder in more ways than one.

  • Becoming a BodyGossip and TimeToChange Ambassador.

  • Seeing The Script and Imagine Dragons live (not enough gigs this year for me - there needs to be more next year!)

  • I also moved house at the very end of this year - 5 days before Christmas in fact - which has been a huge readjustment for me:

I also lost my dear cousin Kevin to cancer earlier on this year - and have had several relapses into depression, the worst being an overdose that I took back in July in which I possibly could have resulted seriously ill yet I told nobody for ages afterwards. I lost a lot of friendships this year - some who I'd been friends with for over 10 years. There have been tons of setbacks this year and when you have an illness like mine it's very difficult to see the light when the match keeps getting blown out.

But, although this year has not been a fantastic one, I've achieved some goals that I never thought I'd achieve and although they're not particularly life-changing - for me they signify huge steps and progression. Life throws some shit at me and things get hard, but I do remain grateful, that I have a roof over my head, a loving boyfriend/family, a degree to work towards, and a job. Things are just not how I want them to be and it's not impossible but more things do need to change. I do feel like I say that things need to change all too much and I guess it's difficult to change your outlook, perspectives and the way that you feel about yourself when you've spent 21 years feeling the same way.

The last few weeks have been challenging. My parents and I moved house last Friday and it still doesn't feel like 'home' - if I'm honest I'm struggling to settle in. The CBT I was supposed to be happening got completely screwed over by the local mental health team two days before my supposed first appointment. My Dad and I have not been getting on in the slightest. And I'm keeping a good head on my shoulders, and usually I would have broken down by now and I haven't and it's a real shock. But I'm in a state of mind where I'm not overly happy and I'm not rock bottom. I'm quite numb and I don't really feel anything. I'm in limbo and it's a strange place to be.

I'll be making a blog post very soon about my goals for 2014. A lot of people say that 'resolutions' are a bad idea - and I personally hate that term, but I see nothing wrong with setting myself small and attainable goals for the new year. Things to work towards and not exactly better myself but better my prospects, my future. It's a shame that with mental illness you strive and strive and strive and yet you still have so much more to do. I'm unsure what to make of this year. It's been a right mixture and I'm not entirely sure how I feel at the end.

I can't guarantee that next year will be a  good one but I can certainly try my damned hardest to make it that way.
All I can do is try and hope that my struggle will pay off.

Happy new year to you all.


  1. Hi! I really enjoyed the pics and positive highlights of your year. (I've had your blog bookmarked for a while. This is the first post that I've read.) It looks like you've experienced a lot of fun, great moments. I have a hard time realizing the good in my life, so maybe I will reflect on my year, too. I'm also really sorry to hear about your loss and hope you begin to feel better soon.

  2. I absolutely love this post! I loved seeing all of your highlights - may even do this myself ;) xxx