Sunday, 13 October 2013

Honest thoughts

I'm a University student once again, and I'm a University student with a mental health problem. I'm a University student with a part-time job in retail, a 4.5 year relationship alongside, trying to help and cure everyone else whilst neglecting myself as well as other added pressures such as moving house in the next month.

I'm not sure if I can do it. And I guess I just need someone to tell me that 'it's okay' to feel like this. Not in a patronising way. In a way that is meant and valued. I need someone who has confidence in my abilities and someone to push me. Which makes me sound rather selfish, in a way. But sometimes I can have all the people surrounding me yet still feel completely and utterly alone, incompetent, and helpless.

Already, after almost one month into my degree, I've struggled. I'm not really sure if that's me talking or my depression. Realistically I have to fight through three years of negative thoughts like this whilst studying for my degree and it's sometimes unbearable, even only one month in. I've tried to convince myself that I'm happy because I'm at University and even though yes, I love my University and I love the experience, I took a damaging and potentially life-threatening overdose only three months ago and my head is still very much not well and not in the right place.

I aim to please, sometimes too much. I guess that's why I joined the Young People's Panel. I'm so desperate to make a change that I do everything and anything I can, then wonder why I struggle taking so much under my wing at once. Right now I feel that nothing I do, is enough. I'm going to echo a YouTube video from an amazing YouTuber today by saying that right now, I just feel average. Maybe even less than average. Never good enough. Comparing myself to those around me. Feeling fat, disgusting, and all those other emotions. Never pleasing. Always second best. Trying desperately to fulfil a life I'll never live. Writing Bucket Lists I'll never achieve. Trying to talk about mental health but never making a difference. Always wanting to be an inspiration but never reaching that stage. Realistically I'm not really anything and I can't come to terms with that.

And this blog post is genuinely not fishing for anything and I don't want sympathy. But I do write with honesty and this is, honestly, how I'm feeling. Is my depression just an excuse? Am I just lazy? Why can't I do the life-changing awe-inspiring things that other people do? Why can't I just take my medication properly? Why can't I change? I'm 21 and have been living with this for almost 10 years, it's ridiculous. Most people I know have finished their degrees and are in full-time jobs and I'm still living at home, no-where close to that goal.

Looking back on the past hurts, and looking towards the future hurts, to the point where I'm stuck in the depths of limbo. The present, which hurts just as much. And I have voices from all angles telling me what I need to do to be successful and what I need to do to live life to the full when really all I want to do is hide from the reality of it all. Maybe that's what I'm scared of. Reality, the future, living my life.

I don't know what the idea was for this blog post. Just to write and see what happened. And I guess I feel no better for doing so. I want to live, not purely exist and I haven't felt like I've lived for a long time. Always letting people down, never being good enough, and being the 'average' one. I have no idea how to change that because any idea of a future has been fogged over by depressive thoughts.

I'll be back with a more topical blog post in due course, but for now I just needed to get this out, somewhere.