Friday, 21 March 2014

Self-identity with a new diagnosis

Unbelievably, I've somehow managed to gain a total of 40,000 views on this blog. I don't know where you've all come from, or how you've managed to stumble your way through life and stop upon my blog, but whoever you are, thank you. I'm incredibly grateful.

I've been very much AWOL for well over a month now, and I'll argue that I have some very good reasons for this.

I'm coming to terms with the diagnosis of two personality disorders, and I'm in my third week of group treatment for these alongside my anxiety. I'm, regardless, still performing well at University and am so close to finishing first year that it's on the tip of my tongue now, I can taste it, I can feel it and to me, it feels like an achievement, although to others it may not be so much.

I'm rather stuck in limbo, weirdly enough as it seems that pieces of my life, certainly my early childhood, one that I've wanted and desired answers from for so long are starting to come together (due to the diagnosis) Yet it also seems that future prospects are floating further away from me and it's a very strange feeling to be partly relieved and elated in one sense and yet also sinking into a depressive state because of it too.

I have a very misconstrued sense of self at this present moment in time, and I can't seem to work out from myself who I exactly am, where the Amy with the mask ends/begins, who my friends really are, whether I'm loved, what I want to do with my life, my self-image and vice versa.

I'm not quite sure who Amy is or what she wants for herself. She seems to have days where she thinks the world is golden and makes elaborate plans for herself and her 'future', then she lapses into a fit of tears, unsure if she'll ever get out from underneath the bed covers or the mask she's put on that day. She tries to be brave yet this bravery bottles up into further self-hatred, to which she takes it out on those who mean the most to her, her boyfriend, her best friends, her family. She wants a life where she becomes happy, where she begins to have a life, but she has no idea where to begin. Who is 'she' anymore?

How do you remove a label like Borderline Personality Disorder from the self and detach it so it is no longer part of you, when in reality, it is part of you, it will always be part of you and always has. How can you see yourself as anything but 'borderline' with that label? How can you view yourself as having potential to succeed, how can life start to mould itself into place and fit the way you've always dreamed of it fitting, when you are and always will be so emotionally unstable? Having depression, for  me felt okay, it felt curable, a destination felt reachable. Now answers have been given to me for my behaviours and my past falls into place somewhat, but nothing seems resolved. It just attributes to my already warped sense of self, that my life has been nothing but a waste and that it will continue to be nothing but a waste. I'll always be a borderline and I can't quite get my head around that fact. I can't even admit what I feel properly anywhere for fear of judgement.

It's taken me an awfully long time to admit this diagnosis on my blog, and I wasn't entirely sure how to put the experience into words. I'm still not content with the way I've expressed my emotions on the matter. However, I'm undergoing a course of group Dialectical Behavioural Therapy which is unbearably challenging and I've cried in 2/3 sessions so far, but I have support and understanding within this group, no matter how hard things are, and I need to remind myself of this fact.

1 comment:

  1. Amy, I'm so proud of you for how well you have articulated yourself. I too have been where you are, I did the DBT thing about two years ago, and although its very very difficult, it works. There is life at the of the tunnel I promise you. keep on swimming doll. xxx