This time last week I had completed my final exam for my first year studying English Literature at the University of Greenwich. It had reached 11:30am, the invigilator had told us all to place our pens on the desks and to close our exam papers, and I had a rush of emotion which seeped through me as I could, for the first time in a long time, feel pride at something I had achieved.
Of course I now have two more years of this degree to complete, but finishing this one year has enabled me to realise that completing years 2 and 3 are also not out of my reach. I'm very happy to report that I've thoroughly enjoyed my first year at the University of Greenwich, where I've grown in confidence, made some incredible friends, met such supportive and wonderful lecturers, and have really appreciated being able to study where I do. It's insane to realise that on the 8th of May, the day of my first exam, a year ago, was the day in which I went to visit Greenwich for the first time after receiving an offer. And a year later, I was sitting my first exam, and I just felt incredibly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that I, the girl who claimed she was never going to return to University, that she was a failure, and that education was too good for her, had passed her first year with some decent and well-earned grades and had survived a whole year of it all.
It's very easy for me to beat myself up and see finishing first year as nothing overall. I have friends who completed their degree's years ago and have worked their way into full time jobs, succeeding and achieving their dreams, and as someone who possesses an extortionate level of envy, it's very easy to be jealous of these people, and I am, I suppose. But I have to remind myself of my situation, and how my situation differs from each individual I compare myself up to. Constantly asking myself what my life would be like if I was someone else is pointless, really, because it won't happen, and I've started to try and remind myself that my own goals are worth having and worth celebrating because they are important to me. I shouldn't disregard the way I feel about a personal achievement because doubtless someone else has performed better than me. Of course there will always be people who are 'better than you'. But the more I focus on that, the less I can focus on bettering myself.
It's going to be a wonderful three months of resting, relaxing, working, DBT, going abroad (for the first time, I'll add!), celebrating 5 years with my incredible boyfriend Nathan, reading, blogging, meeting my biological father (!) indulging in spa days, afternoon teas, seaside trips, days out, barbecues, and preparing for my second year. I am pleased to announce that the summer has already begun for me, celebrating birthdays, meeting old friends, and plenty of cocktails to celebrate the end of the exams:
Sorry this has been such a short post, but I'll be back in due course with more mental health related posts, but until then, I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks working towards a more positive Amy and working hard.