It's been well over a month since I made a post on this blog, and I can only apologise for doing so. I began a blogging challenge in the middle of July alongside my good friend Charlene, where I attempted to blog every single day for 30 days. I managed 27 days until the devastating news of Robin Williams death not too long ago, which left me, in all honesty feeling extremely numb and very low, leaving me unable to complete the challenge. Disappointed as I was in myself, and doubtlessly you were all too also in me, it was an extremely interesting and challenging month which taught me many things about myself. I have now changed the URL of this blog, my central blog, to the name absolutely-amy.
Since I last blogged, my life has been difficult, mainly to do with circumstances surrounding my father and his wife. At this point last week, my life took a drastic spin and due to these events, I shut myself away. I called in sick to my job, buried myself under the covers for days, didn't eat or sleep, and cried constantly. A week on and I'm feeling a little more myself, yet without being specific, am struggling internally with the remnants of the events of my previous week.
Besides this however, and as hard as this past month has been, I have good things to look forward to. I have a training date for my new job as a student receptionist on the 8th of September, to which I hope to begin said job not long afterwards. I will be celebrating my 22nd birthday on the 21st of September, and have a fun weekend planned alongside family and friends. My second year of University begins on the 22nd of September, of which I have longed for ever since my first year ended all the way back in May. I am a person who requires stability and a sense of routine in order to function properly, and I think this may be why I struggle so much with my depressive tendencies during the summer period. I've been spending a lot of time alone, leaving my anxiety to fester, and going to work in a job I dislike doesn't help much either. Yet despite this, during this summer I also gained a father, and in the last week a grandmother, and a cousin of whom I love so dearly. Clouds do have silver linings sometimes.
I've been having to come to terms recently with aspects of my past that it would be preferable for me not to address. Understanding why I am the way that I am. I don't like it one bit because more than anything I wish things had been different. That's the part that hurts the most. The damage has been done.
I tamper between wanting to be alive and wanting to be dead. The only place where I feel as if I currently belong is in the arms of my partner, who makes me feel alive and the human that I want to be. I'm at a stage in life where people are moving forward, groups are differing and forming of which I am not a part of, no matter how much I try to be. It's starting to feel a little bit like being at school again. I don't know who I am or where I belong.
Having BPD alongside anxiety is unbearably exhausting. You're constantly drifting from cheering people up, to letting them down, to relying on them too often, to never wanting to see anybody again. One minute I have urges to injure myself and the next, I tell myself how stupid I'm being for even thinking it. Right now, I wouldn't like to be dead but just to disappear. Perhaps for a week, few weeks, a month. I think the word to describe life right now, especially the past few months, is overwhelming.
It's all just a bit too much.