Sunday, 14 September 2014

Change

The next few weeks involve a multitude of different changes. Tomorrow I begin my new job, I turn 22 in one week, and in a day after that I return to a manic sense of routine where University and it's workload becomes far more intense, in combination with possible driving lessons, therapy, building a relationship with my biological father and maintaining my relationship with my boyfriend and friends.

I live in anxiety of tomorrow, same as I used to dread every time September came around and I'd have to return to school and start something new. The start of a new job is something that intimidates, concerns and sparks fear in most, but for me it indicates change and even though I was the one who wanted this new job, I was the one who went for the interview, and I was the one who accepted the position, I genuinely am terrified of the changes this will all bring.

My fear of change is the reason why I know that if I do decide to quit my current job, it will be such a tough decision and one that no doubt I'll be coaxed to make by family, friends, lecturers and peers. I know that this year brings a lot of obstacles and will take a lot of mental strength to balance, and I've been in positions before where I've juggled too much and fallen under the weight of severe depression as a result. I'm terrified of this happening again, yet am too scared to say no, or let people down. Quitting my current job will let people down - and there's always the strong possibility that something will go wrong in my new job and I'll be left with nothing. Then I get faced with my parents telling me that I should never have quit my old job in the first place, and more people looking down on me and recognising me as a 'failure'. Everything links back to my sense of self and the way in which I recognise myself as an individual and what I want out of life, which I don't know and I don't know how to make myself more aware of what I want. I don't know how to adapt to change, how to have confidence in myself that change is okay, to take the difficulties with open arms and tackle them head on. Then I remember that I'm not a normal person like everyone else, and the self-loathing begins again.

I worked hard during my first year of University, and my second year is going to throw far more and expect so much more of me and more importantly, I'm going to expect so much more from myself. The further I go into this degree, the more my head suffocates itself with thoughts as to whether this was ever the right idea at all - I've let so many people down through this decision, but whatever decision I make it would be wrong to someone. Is this all just a huge mistake? I know that this year is going to involve over striving for perfection which I can't attain, letting lecturers down, letting myself down. In one week I turn one year older and remind myself on all I missed when I should have been living. I shouldn't live in the past but I can't help myself sometimes.

I'm scared of relapsing further into my illness this year. I'm absolutely terrified.

I'm sorry if any of this makes no sense, I'm just thinking a multitude of things tonight and I can't seem to form them coherently. I just want to be normal and that seems too difficult.

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