My friend Tanya spoke about change on her blog this week, and I thought I'd address it a little today. She said that 'We are only a victim if we allow ourselves to be, and we can only move forward if we allow life to change. It is not about what we like or don't like, it is about what we choose to allow'.
I agree so much with this statement but also at the same time find it incredibly difficult to put these words into practice. I believe I've spoken about this a few times before, but today I write this from a different point and perspective in my life. That change, for me, is terrifying.
Thinking about it more thoroughly, I think part of the reason why I'm so resistant to change in life is that I'm not really sure what I want to change 'into'. The future, although inevitably, the future is happening all of the time, uncontrollably, is one that I am unsure about. I don't see a future, so every decision I make in life never feels like the right one and I'm constantly making mistakes as a result.
My fear to change is the reason why I've landed myself in a extremely sticky situation, to balance two jobs and my own sense of sanity on top of a degree, which this week has completely proven is not possible. Thursday morning I woke up and cried for a solid three hours and couldn't leave my bed, and Friday, although calmer, was no different in the way I felt about myself. Classes and work missed, in my second week of University - already being unable to cope with what life throws. Coping with life changes.
I'm allowing myself to be a victim, I guess, and I hate being that person, but it takes a certain amount of strength to undo all this mentality in my head which isn't well enough yet. I tell myself all the time that I have progressed from this time 4, 5 years ago, but maybe I've just become a lot better at dealing with my emotions, maybe using Nathan as my excuse not to harm myself anymore is not a good enough excuse. I guess my reluctance to allow change stems from the fact that the past 22 years have been, in my opinion, so flawed that the time I spend trying to fix it is occurring at a time where life is moving so unbelievably quickly that I need it to slow down so I can catch up. I feel like I want to freeze time, undo all of the crap and regrets, work out what I want from life, and press play. I can't do that.
I know that I have the capacity to change the situation I'm in, logically, but my head tells me no. I have no option but to feel like this for the rest of my life.
I don't want to 'allow' my life because everything in it doesn't feel right and it hasn't for a long time, and I'm not sure it ever will. How can I allow things to be when what is to be is wrong?