I've been trying to think of what to blog about for a few days now, but haven't really found anything I want to say, all too much. Everything going on at the moment in my life is quite frankly, a bit messy and chaotic, and being back at University and getting stuck into my essays has been the perfect coping mechanism for it all, despite how stressful University can be when you are a perfectionist like myself.
I've learnt a few things over the past few weeks, and without going into details too specifically, what I have learnt is that sometimes, no matter how much you try and force somebody to change, even if it's to save the relationship they have with someone, some people just won't. They don't have the capacity to, or quite honestly they don't want to, even if their actions are destroying the people they supposedly love.
I took a massive step this year and gave a person in my life a chance to make up 22 years of lost time, and this person has let me down. Am I upset about this? Sure. I sought to fill a void, to seek closure and retrieve answers, and all of these things are not what I initially hoped for.
What I need to remind myself is how these actions have strengthened me into a person who isn't going to tolerate what I'd initially tolerated my whole life, being attacked by those around me, absorbing hate and negative thought from others, bullying, being lied to, and overall treated like I don't matter. I received enough of this from school bullies, and I will not tolerate it from someone who is supposed to be a parental figure in my life.
What I am going to do, for my health, is to distance myself from this negativity right now, and focus on those who do matter. My incredible boyfriend of almost 5 and a half years, my Mum, step-dad and Nan, my best friend Becky, my wonderful University friends, and most importantly, the family I have gained in the last six months, especially my supportive and caring cousin and as of this week, my big brother, which is as you can imagine, so incredibly overwhelming. I've been through enough self-hatred my whole life to have people add to that equation, and by keeping the ones who matter the closest, and distancing myself from those who add fuel to that fire, I'm for once doing the right thing and looking after number one. Something I've never really done too well in my 22 years.
I'll always be that person who cares for others more than herself, and I'll always be that person who blames herself when things go wrong in others lives, or when she can't provide the help to someone else that they desperately need. I'll always be that person who wants to be liked by everybody and who people pleases, and I'll always beat myself up for the uncontrollable. However, by ignoring myself and my own needs, and by not accepting that I can't change what I can't control, I'm depriving myself of so many opportunities and also refusing to notice the people in my life that actually, really do care. And plenty of my friends and family have reminded me of their love and support this week, and I couldn't be more grateful for that.
It'll be hard, and difficult, but I know what needs to be done, and that realisation is the most important thing.