I realised today that my life is mostly concerned with pleasing every other individual on the planet except myself.
Although thinking this through whilst writing, maybe it is due to the fact that my identity issues mean that I have no concept of what I even want out of life in the first place, or what it would even take to 'please me'.
A month or so ago, I discussed the feeling of being overwhelmed, and it is as if that feeling has risen up somewhat and has given me a huge slap in the face since I begun second year lectures on the 22nd. I was so excited for this year at University, and as per usual at this time of year, my mood drastically drops as I'm unable to cope with what is being thrown at me. This year, the amount being thrown at me is more than anything else I've experienced in previous years, hence describing my fear of relapsing further into depression not too long ago.
I don't have it within my capacity to admit that things are wrong, except for in my writing which nobody reads. I struggle to let myself struggle infront of others when internally that's all I want to do. The combustion inside of me of negative thought retained throughout the day amounts itself to pure exhaustion in the evenings, and on nights where Nathan is not around and I'm alone, it becomes impossible to function, having spent my entire day trying to do the exact thing that the depressive part of my illness does not want me to do.
I sometimes feel as if I serve life purely as a requirement in opposition to as a desire, and that's where I'm going wrong.
The trouble is, how much help can you seek out of others before they cut you off completely? I'm on the brink of being discharged from my therapy team when it is impossible to attend weekly appointments as I'm currently doing 6 day weeks, 5 in Greenwich and one in my other job. Unfortunately, these are the only people who can give me the help I need to progress forward in my recovery from BPD and these are the people who I dismiss as less important than University, my work, and other commitments. I keep telling, reminding myself that by now I 'should' be recovered, I 'should' be okay and that 'should' is my innermost demon - this is what is stopping me from seeking the help I need. That because I should be perfect like everyone else is, I should just get on with my issues, despite what my head tells me. Plus how do you explain to people how internally you realistically feel about yourself without them wanting to lock you up away from society somewhere?
Last week, whilst in Greenwich, I suffered a panic attack after a conversation with my personal tutor. I had a few hours between this time and the time to get to work and in this time the conversations with myself and my tutor were ruminating around in my brain so much that I worked myself up to a panic of overwhelming thought. It became so unbearable that at times I stopped and stood straight in the middle of Greenwich High Street, letting these swarms of people rush past me at speeds that seemed faster whilst in this trance, but after a while not even noticing where I was and taking myself completely out of the situation and focusing more on my panic & breathing. It was a terrifying experience and one that reminded me of how much I need this treatment, and how much I won't ever fully get to receive it.
I always say how I 'have to make it through the next year'. No, I don't. I have to make it through the next 2, 3 years, the next 30 years, the rest of my life. It's too much for someone like me. It's too much. I live because I have to, not because I want to.