Thursday, 29 May 2014

Honesty

In the past week, I've been given the all clear from my parents to build a relationship with my biological father, made the transition from group therapy to individual therapy, achieved a first and one mark away from a first on my University exams, and have begun packing for my holiday in Spain with Nathan, which we leave for on Sunday. (EDIT: 30/05/14 - I've also managed to get myself a new job!) I've also officially passed the first year of my degree, with what will be no doubt a 2:1. I've worked extremely hard, achieving many more firsts than I ever thought I would and it had placed me into a much better position to kick start my second year.

I perceived life to calm down a little after my first year examinations had finished, but it seems that everything is as much up in the air as it was before. Weirdly enough, however, I'm enjoying the franticness and can conclude that this year is shaping up to be one of the most eventful years in such a long time.

I'm very aware, as I'm sure most of you are, that blogging has taken a somewhat back seat. It isn't necessarily that I have nothing to write about, I have plans to formulate the dreaded BPD post, as well as a post regarding the use of mental health disorders as adjectives. As well as a few more. But I guess my emotions have been pretty up in the air at the moment, primarily due to reuniting with the father who abandoned me as a child. As much as I want to blog about these feelings, I find myself unable to be 100% honest with you all about them, and the thought of putting them out there publicly makes me wince a little. I never used to really have an issue with simply writing my emotions for the world to see, however right now I'm in a stage where my emotions have reached such a deep stage of complexity that I worry of upsetting or offending others.

A few nights ago, within a random burst of spontaneity, I decided to grab a notebook and jot down some thoughts. Note: I hadn't done this in a long time. I kept diaries religiously as a child (albeit, ones that I have now rid, in an attempt to rid dark memories), and of course as a 12 year old they were not the most coherent and probably didn't make much sense but it was something that gave me a form of release, perhaps not the alternative to self-harm but I certainly feel better that the words I had wanted to say came from my head and had been purged somewhere where they felt safe and secure. My perfectionism now means that keeping diaries is for me a nightmare, I used to constantly criticise stupid things like my handwriting and how the words looked on the page, or even the ways in which I was saying the words. Never good/coherent enough. But my mission for the next few months is to let those worries slide and to just write, however big or small, openly and honestly onto paper like I used to do. Come to terms with the emotions I'm feeling and be honest with myself like I used to do. I can only hope that this will help me in the long term regarding my current DBT treatment.

I must note here that this doesn't mean I am leaving my blog. But there is a lot going on which publicly is unable to be discussed in depth and it means that there is no other outlet available for which I can express myself. I will still be around but I think slightly less frequently as I attempt to come to terms with a few things and let the crazy part of my life try to die down ever so slightly (not sure it ever will!). It just means that any consistency you would formally expect of me, is probably not going to be achieved. Although my blog is largely  useful, not just for myself but for others, it's just time for me to take a back seat for the moment.

I hope that's okay.

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Finishing my first year of University

This time last week I had completed my final exam for my first year studying English Literature at the University of Greenwich. It had reached 11:30am, the invigilator had told us all to place our pens on the desks and to close our exam papers, and I had a rush of emotion which seeped through me as I could, for the first time in a long time, feel pride at something I had achieved.

Of course I now have two more years of this degree to complete, but finishing this one year has enabled me to realise that completing years 2 and 3 are also not out of my reach. I'm very happy to report that I've thoroughly enjoyed my first year at the University of Greenwich, where I've grown in confidence, made some incredible friends, met such supportive and wonderful lecturers, and have really appreciated being able to study where I do. It's insane to realise that on the 8th of May, the day of my first exam, a year ago, was the day in which I went to visit Greenwich for the first time after receiving an offer. And a year later, I was sitting my first exam, and I just felt incredibly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that I, the girl who claimed she was never going to return to University, that she was a failure, and that education was too good for her, had passed her first year with some decent and well-earned grades and had survived a whole year of it all.



It's very easy for me to beat myself up and see finishing first year as nothing overall. I have friends who completed their degree's years ago and have worked their way into full time jobs, succeeding and achieving their dreams, and as someone who possesses an extortionate level of envy, it's very easy to be jealous of these people, and I am, I suppose. But I have to remind myself of my situation, and how my situation differs from each individual I compare myself up to. Constantly asking myself what my life would be like if I was someone else is pointless, really, because it won't happen, and I've started to try and remind myself that my own goals are worth having and worth celebrating because they are important to me. I shouldn't disregard the way I feel about a personal achievement because doubtless someone else has performed better than me. Of course there will always be people who are 'better than you'. But the more I focus on that, the less I can focus on bettering myself.

It's going to be a wonderful three months of resting, relaxing, working, DBT, going abroad (for the first time, I'll add!),  celebrating 5 years with my incredible boyfriend Nathan, reading, blogging, meeting my biological father (!) indulging in spa days, afternoon teas, seaside trips, days out, barbecues, and preparing for my second year. I am pleased to announce that the summer has already begun for me, celebrating birthdays, meeting old friends, and plenty of cocktails to celebrate the end of the exams:





Sorry this has been such a short post, but I'll be back in due course with more mental health related posts, but until then, I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks working towards a more positive Amy and working hard.