I officially finished my second year of University on Friday. I remember this time last year feeling completely ecstatic that I had reached the end of my first year as I felt like it was such an achievement in comparison to the last few years of failure. This year I didn't feel like celebrating.
The revision period for my two end of year exams had been a toughie to begin with. I'd been experiencing severe anxiety, breathlessness and violent outbursts for the whole three weeks triggered by this overwhelming self-doubt. This week, the week of said exams, I came down with a nasty vomiting and nausea virus midweek, and that, alongside the severe anxiety, resulted in the what I believe to be failure of said exams. I walked into the exam hall, constantly wanting to be sick, and forgot everything.
I walked out of my final exam in particular and if it wasn't for my beautiful friends standing right infront of me, I would have burst into tears there and then. I kept telling myself and I try to keep telling myself that the way my body reacts to stress is not my fault, my stupid immune system is not my fault. But all I keep thinking about is the day my lecturers read the exam answers that I wrote and lose their faith in me and lose their faith in the girl who mostly achieved firsts in her essays all year.
Today is Sunday, and I have felt so physically exhausted that for the first time in possibly years, I lied in bed all day, slept, watched the occasional Netflix, slept some more, and every now and again panicked that I needed to revise whilst remembering that I didn't need to anymore. It felt strange just to let myself be for the day and whilst I'm still feeling a little sick and extremely tired, I think I needed it.
I should be proud of finishing my second year because I worked bloody hard to get here but it didn't seem enough. It didn't seem like I worked quite hard enough. I emailed my lecturers to apologise for being a failure because that's what I feel like. Despite the fact I did have a virus I also let my mental illness overtake my studies for the first time in ages and that's what makes me hate myself.
The summer is here and despite my reluctance to celebrate the end of second year I have lots of lovely events coming up in the next month or so. There will be plenty of birthday celebrations, including my Mum's 40th, my cousin's birthday (which includes a Thorpe Park trip with the family) and my best friends 23rd, there will be a much needed seaside getaway with the family, London Comicon, and preparing for my holiday to Italy to celebrate mine and Nathan's 6th anniversary next month. I'll no doubt be working more, not just in my retail job but reading and prepping for next year's dissertation. It's should be an amazing few months full of exciting things but only if I don't let myself keep falling at the first hurdle.
The day that I allow myself to be myself and stop wanting to be someone else will the day that I will be free.
To my girls, thanks for getting me through the past two years. I love you and you're wonderful and this degree wouldn't be possible without you.