Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Hello September

The 9th month of the year is upon us and as per it doesn't seem that long ago that I was wrapping up in fleecy jumpers, drinking mulled wine and eating Christmas cake. The summer was an eventful, yet pleasant one but as usual I love the time when it draws to a close.

When I was younger, I never used to view the new year as a new start - instead I'd focus on September. Going back to school and turning a year older were for me perfect opportunities to be a new, reinvented person. Luckily I don't necessarily want to be new anymore and that back to school anticipation is no longer.

This month is full of scary, interesting, and momentous things. I turn 23 on the 21st of September and have my celebrations planned and ready to get kick started. I return to University for my third and final year of my English Literature degree. I leave my internship with Macmillan Cancer Support, which I have enjoyed immensely, made some great friends and learnt so many new things. And there's a slight possibility (although not confirmed as to when yet) that I may be moving into my boyfriend's family home within the next month or so. Completely unrelated to September, but my best friend and I also booked flights for a mini break to Budapest in October - which makes me squeal even just thinking about it.

Currently, I'm tired. Tiredness usually triggers negative patches in my mental state, and right now my immune system has pretty much gone down the pan. Yes, I'm snappy sometimes, and irritable. I have times where I want to go back to bed and sleep the day off and make it not count. But I also know that deep down I'm happy with where my life is heading and I know that a few write offs doesn't mean a step back.

I'm worried, too. My mood tends to drop around the autumnal period (something which even my University lecturers are beginning to spot), and not only that but my anxiety tends to flare up too. I'm going to be hitting one of the most difficult academic years to date and somehow the studious side of me won't switch on. I've got to think about things that, had I graduated two years ago when I should have done, I wouldn't have been ready to think about. I feel like I have a million and one things to do and the minute I walk through the door my body spasms into lethargy and all I want to do is curl up and cry.

Since when did I have this much on my to-do list? Those around me say it's called being an adult. But they're wrong. I've been an adult for years. I became an adult the first time I became conscious of my self-injury, the first time I started starving myself, and the times where I had to be an adult because I had no other choice. What has changed, is that I am blossoming. I'm starting to feel better about myself for the first time in, well, ever. My to-do list, my calendar is becoming fuller because I'm moving away from a life I led for at least 18 years. I'm figuring myself out, I'm working out my identity. And I'm tired because I never allowed my body to do this much at once 5 years ago. I never allowed it to live properly and it's trying to adjust.

So I'm a tired, stressed, but happy sort of tired. A tired where I feel as if there is SO much I want to do in the world and SO much to see that I know I won't do it all. But to think that 5 years ago I didn't have a dream that extended past 5 years, makes me proud and happy.