For the first time in my life, things seem to be falling into place. I may be asking for trouble when I openly admit things like this, but since my last post back in February (yeah, sorry about that), all of the negativity and ill health and crap that has gone on for the majority of my life has seemed to slowly but surely start shifting. A part of me has emerged which is unlike any part of me I have known before.
In the upcoming months, so much change will be taking place but it's change that I will be embracing. I've achieved things that I never thought possible because I assumed I would be dead. Everything is wonderfully overwhelming, so much so that I sit sometimes rather static not quite knowing how to think/what to make of this new life that I'm about to enter into.
Firstly, as of Tuesday I completed my undergraduate degree. Final grade pending of course, but until then, this is something of a huge achievement. Three years have quite simply flown by and yet so much has happened in those three years. Many of you will remember that battling with mental illness as a teenager resulted in me having to take a lot of time away from education to try and get better, and as such I begun studying at the University of Greenwich at the age of 21. I'd love to make a full post about this in due course, but what I'd love to say is that going to University at the age I did was one of the best decisions I could possibly have made.
This is a picture of me holding my 10,000 word dissertation just before submission in front of my beautiful University!
This is a picture of me and all of my friends with grins plastered across our faces when we had finished our final exam on the 17th of May!
The second thing that has happened to me is that I managed to land myself my dream full time job! Many of you will remember that last summer I interned for the charity Macmillan Cancer Support for three months in their Cancer Information Development Team, who work to produce high quality information for those affected by cancer. I loved the internship so much and it completely solidified my desire to work within the charity sector. All I ever wanted to do was to come back to Macmillan. A few months ago, I noticed a job advertisement for an Editorial Assistant for Macmillan Cancer Support (which involves essentially the same role I performed as an intern plus a few extra roles and responsibilities of course!). After working really hard, I managed to get the job and I start next Thursday! As you can imagine, I'm extremely elated to be returning to a department and a charity that I care so much about and one that is also related to my degree. I'm full of nerves and anticipation but I'm also so excited to be working for an organisation that I love so much.
Lastly, I'll also be leaving my current therapist after two and a half years of sessions. Michael has seen and supported me essentially throughout the highs and lows of my degree, not to mention the traumatic events that happened with my father. He's helped me so much, not only to come to an understanding of those events, but to monitor my moods and to regulate my behaviours and thoughts. So much so, that Michael wishes entirely to remove my label of BPD as he thinks it is no longer applicable to this stage of my life. I interestingly agree with Michael on this. Although my anxiety will always be a dominating force in my life, my erratic moods, violent outbursts and dependencies on others have lessened greatly. My life, and living that life, has become a driving force as opposed to my illness and it feels very freeing. I will, however, miss Michael and his support a lot and will be finding our final session incredibly difficult! He's an incredible man and I'm extremely lucky to have him.
So yes, the past few months have been eventful to use a term! I can honestly say that right now I feel the happiest that I've ever been. It's the most satisfying feeling watching hard work and determination and a refusal to give up on yourself, pay off. I feel like those years of depression, misery, and self-loathing are far behind me now and although I'll always be susceptible to those moods, I know what to do to ensure that they don't return again. Many people say that being an adult, most particularly in your early 20s, is terrifying but for me, being a child was the most terrifying thing of all. My childhood was full of hating and harming myself and my adult life has seen me flourish as I try to repair that damage. I'd never go back to school, it was for me a place of sadness besides the lovely staff and meeting Nathan in 2009. But being at the age I am (23, in fact) and in the position that I am feels so right, and fitting. Being so ill when I was all happened for a reason. Meeting my father and the pain that coincided that all happened for a reason. My decision to complete internships last summer happened for a reason. Everything really does happen for a reason.